"NC" here stands for "no contact", describing the relationship, or lack thereof, between the OP and their mother, the "narc," or narcissist.On Reddit's /r/raisedbynarcissists, a community of over 97,000 subscribers, cutting off a relative entirely is a common occurrence. "This is a support group for people raised by a parent with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders," the forum's description reads.She's ill, she's a narc and she drinks and that elevates it. Despite no contact I still love her, I still miss her, but I stay strong every day to stop from breaking that NC as it won't ever get better because she doesn't see her problem.
One popular recent post on "preparing and safeguarding for the worst" sheds light on the perennially unstable nature of life in such a home: "Create an evacuation bag. It's a complete possibility that you'll be homeless with no more than ten seconds to spare if your N goes crazy."The post goes on to detail how to ward off physical attacks, and advises that readers hide their valuables, plan an escape route from a nearby window, and always sleep facing the door.SeaTurtlesCanFly is the handle used by one of the moderators of /r/raisedbynarcissists, along with other subreddits in the "RBN" family. I asked her over Reddit messages about how the mods handle some of the more dramatic situations which appear, comments implying that a member's life is in danger, or that they're in danger of committing acts of violence themselves. She said, "If possible, I will ask mental health professionals that I know personally for advice. When there have been situations where a person's life seemed in immediate danger, we have contacted the admins to let them know. What happens after we do that, I have no idea.""No contact" is rarely exactly that when social media constantly tempts parents to approach or even stalk their kids
The term "narcissist" is mutable, however—it's also used by estranged parents who gather in another ecosystem of forums to talk about their children.Estranged parent forums, like like Estranged Stories, Daily Strength's estranged parent forum, and RejectedParents.net, differ in tone from those of estranged children. There's an emphasis on the pain caused by estrangement, with stories of contact lost through addiction, mental illness, or manipulative relationships, told by parents for whom it's hard to feel anything but sympathy.But then there are the stories with mysterious omissions and glaring inconsistencies, the kind which leave you asking who the narcissist really is. Sometimes there'll be a sudden leap from family life as usual to bitter estrangement, with the reasons why left thoroughly unexplained. It's sometimes unclear who is the "narcissist" here: the parent, or the child.Posts vaguely allude to old conflicts ("Her teen years were edgy, but we made it through") or issues long buried in the past ("The problem started to surface when my wife and I divorced 12 years ago… They chose her. It's a long complicated story that I won't go into now."). Sometimes it's very clear that the author is angry ("She's mad that I didn't believe she had 2 seizures and that I told her to go to hell") or oblivious to how their child might view them ("i left 2 messages where they are staying but no response. at this point it looks like he does not want me in his life for some reason"). The forums become circular chains of affirmation from fellow estranged parents, but the causes of estrangement are rarely mentioned.Because narcissists rarely seek care, few of our spouses, friends, etc. have a formal diagnosis. So in this space, "narcissist" is a term used loosely to refer to a variety of conditions, and is not used in a clinical sense. We are not professionals and cannot diagnose anybody.
"At first I read out of a train-wreck fascination; then I read in the hopes of finding a way to get through to the estranged parents," she said. This proved fruitless, however. "Now I read to explain the abuser's mindset to abuse victims." The site is frequently cited on /r/raisedbynarcissists and popular with its members, though estranged parents have launched something of a minor backlash against her.One psychologist called familial estrangement a "silent epidemic", and at least one study found that one in 10 mothers had an estranged child. Epidemic or not, estrangement is now more visible thanks to the internet.At the same time, the internet complicates these conflicts themselves; after all, "no contact" is rarely exactly that when social media constantly invites users to approach or even stalk people.Long before talk of "safe spaces" entered the cultural lexicon, forums provided just that