Apologies if this sounds like bragging, but I won an NCAA Tournament bracket pool this year, and my prize is a gift card to NBA.com. Windfalls being windfalls and gift cards being gift cards, it seems clear that the most prudent course of action is to blow this money on something completely stupid. And so I got to work on doing that.

NBA.com, to its credit, made this very easy. Many buyable things on that site are extraordinarily stupid. Some are poignant and sad. Taken together, they are a kind of collective demonstration of runaway profiteering, a reassuring glimpse into both the extent to which even fairly rich and powerful people don't know exactly what they are doing and the insensate, desperate groping nature of branding and merchandising.

And so with as much introduction as I can possibly muster out of the way, here are some things you can buy right now:

A 2014 All Star Game Mega Ticket for $80

Look at how big that ticket is. That is a big damn ticket. If you tried to go to the 2014 All Star game with that ticket, the ticket person would probably be like, "You can't come in to the All Star Game with that ticket, because it is too big and also because it is not a ticket to the All Star Game. Also, and sorry to editorialize, but this is a very strange and obscure thing to try to accomplish with a time machine."

WHO THIS IS FOR: People who like big novelty tickets to completely forgettable events; people who got a real ticket to the 2014 All Star Game but always had a nagging feeling that their ticket was somehow not sufficiently big.

Sacramento Kings ProToast Elite Toaster for $25 (Marked Down From $40!)

This "ProToast Elite" toaster is so named because it toasts a Sacramento Kings logo into every slice of bread that enters it, so it's not really that much of a hyperbole.

WHO THIS IS FOR: Recently divorced men in the Sacramento area who have found themselves shopping for basic housewares for the first time in over a decade and need a reason not to cry while eating toast.

Denver Nuggets Thematic Owl for $8 (Marked Down From $25!)

This decorative owl tells a story. The story is "Hey, I am an owl who has been employed to work in a gold mine, and I am a huge fan of the Denver Nuggets as you can tell by my large Denver Nuggets logo torso tattoo. I have just hewn a gold basketball out of the earth with my mining hammer, and I am alarmed by this." This is a better story for the Denver Nuggets to tell their fans than the actual story of the actual Denver Nuggets, if only because it does not involve Brian Shaw.

WHO THIS IS FOR: Anybody in the Venn diagram intersection between Denver Nuggets fans and collectors of occupationally-themed display owls.

Men's Brooklyn Nets Joe Johnson Storm Player Socks for $18

If you could have socks which feature the likeness of any—"Brooklyn Nets shooting guard Joe Johnson playing basketball in a lightning storm." You didn't let me finish. I was going to say any—"BROOKLYN NETS SHOOTING GUARD JOE JOHNSON PLAYING BASKETBALL IN A LIGHTNING STORM."

WHO THIS IS FOR: Everyone with net assets of over $18.

Orlando Magic Team Swim Goggles for $18

I don't want to be glib about this. I want to be glub about this. As in "Glub glub, I am underwater but thankfully my eyeballs are dry because I am wearing Orlando Magic Team Swim Goggles that I bought for $18."

WHO THIS IS FOR: Everyone with net assets of over $36 who bought the Joe Johnson socks already.

Men's Philadelphia 76ers Andrew Bynum Adidas Red Swingman Road Jersey for $50

Andrew Bynum never played in a single game for the Philadelphia 76ers, so buying this jersey is less about liking an actual player on an actual team and more about pinpointing the operational genesis of a major professional sports team that decided to just go ahead and lose as many games as possible on purpose.

WHO THIS IS FOR: Nobody, not even Andrew Bynum.

Adidas LeBron James Miami Heat "Bron Bron" Nickname Replica Jersey for $28

Anybody who has ever been saddled with an uncreative and vaguely insulting nickname knows that you just have to hope people eventually get tired of it, and also that your former employer didn't print it on a mass produced sleeveless shirt of some kind.

WHO THIS IS FOR: Skip Bayless; other people for whom "trolling" is a viable alternative lifestyle; trolls, in the sense of actual trolls that live under bridges.

Men's Brooklyn Nets Jerome Jordan Adidas Black Replica Road Jersey for $70

If I saw somebody wearing this, I would get very confused and Google "Brooklyn Nets Jordan" on my phone. It turns out Jerome Adolphus Jordan is a Jamaican professional basketball player who currently plays for Brooklyn Nets of the National Basketball Association. (Source: Wikipedia)

WHO THIS JEROME JORDAN JERSEY IS FOR: Actually it would look totally fly if Lee Perry wore this, so let's buy one for Lee Perry. That is a good idea.

Another thing worth noting is that the product descriptions for these pre-made replica jerseys all start with the sentence "Prove you are the #1 fan of [PLAYER'S NAME] in this Replica jersey." The best possible application of this is to sit at a Cavs game, slowly and methodically turn to the person behind you, robotically intone "I am the #1 fan of Kendrick Perkins," and then turn back to face the game, revealing a Kendrick Perkins Cavaliers replica jersey. It will cost you $69.95, and is currently in stock.