Sports

Old Man Needs Job

Derek Fisher posted a video to his social media accounts leading many to believe he wants to come back to the NBA. As a player.
August 3, 2016, 6:45pm

Next week, former Laker/Warrior/Jazz/Thunder/Maverick point guard Derek Fisher turns 42, which will make him two years older than the oldest 2015-16 NBA player, Professor Andre Miller. This is relevant solely because Fisher—who last appeared in a 2014 Game Six playoff loss to the San Antonio Spurs, in which he played 32:30 and put up five points, six boards, and one assist with a +/- of -10—is on the comeback trail!

Fish is as serious as a hashtag attack. His Facebook onslaught includes: #inthelab #imnotdoneyet #workingonme #biggerthanbasketball #butilovethisgame. ESPN spoke to sources who said he did have some interest in giving it another go.

According to sources, ex-Knicks coach Derek Fisher, now 41 years old, is "expressing interest in playing again." https://t.co/4pwbIp0YbL
— NBA on ESPN (@ESPNNBA) August 3, 2016

Curiously, that post has since been deleted, but formerly good athletes overestimating their current abilities is commonplace, and even understandable given that their life's work is over before middle age sets in. So this is not out of the realm of possibility. Sometimes it's even reasonable, like, say, when 33-year-old Ben Gordon, who is currently playing in Great Britain, told ESPN's Ian Begley he believes he can fill an NBA role as a long-range shooter. Not out of the question, unlike some other cases...

I'm no NBA talent evaluator, and I don't think today's pace-and-space three-ball-centric game calls for a lot of angry two-handed dribbling into pull-up mid-range jumpers, but you know what? If Fisher loves this game so much he's willing to put himself out there, we're going to take his attempt at face value. He just lives and breathes hoops, there's no potential other reason for this farce. So here are five logical landing spots for D-Fish.

5. Los Angeles Lakers: Fisher had an incredible run with the Lakers and with the Kobe mic drop, the team could use a little mix of non-sociopathic veteran leadership and Shaq era juju like in the famous 2004 Game Five—Holy Mackerel Gary Payton got the inbound assist to Fisher? The Glove's then 11-year-old-son is now in the NBA. Man, that was a long time ago—like, _Passion-of-the-Christ-_was-a-big-thing long time ago. Hell of a bucket, though.

4. Golden State Warriors: The Warriors might win 80 games, they're super fun to play with, he's been there before, and they can fire up the Boom Dizzle time machine to get the crowd going. Oh wait, that's the other guy who's finding it so hard to say goodbye. Can't keep one wash-up from the other. Seriously, the Dubs should sign Baron Davis. He was a freak and it ain't going to matter one iota who the last man on the bench is anyway.

3. Washington Wizards: Five-time NBA champion Derek Fisher began his collegiate basketball career at the University of Arkansas-Little Rock in November of 1992, the same month another man from the capital of the Swine State (probably?) made history. This November, when Hillary Clinton takes over the White House, Bill and Derek will complete the circle of life. And nobody will notice because it'll be at the Verizon Center.

2. New York Knicks: The Knickerbockers are already big fans of crappy retread mismanaging womanizing former point guards! Please, Mrs. Basketball Goddess, my life has so little joy and meaning.

1. Sacramento Kings: Two words: Matt Barnes.

No, wait. Let's make it three words: Matt Barnes, Temecula.

Good luck, Fish!