Identity

Trendy Body Parts for When You're Tired of Butts

I'm not here to argue that butts aren't great. But what happens when society is post-butt?

by Monica Heisey
Mar 23 2016, 4:05pm

Screengrab via YouTube

I would never argue against a great butt. Truly, the 20-teens (or whatever we're calling this bizarre time in history) have raised the humble fleshy pad on which we sit to objet d'art status. We are living in the middle of a Butt Renaissance, with every woman and select chiseled men on Instagram a Butt Michelangelo. It's a great time to have to have a huge ass.

Yet nothing lasts forever. As with 80s hair and tan lines before them, one day the sun will rise on a world that does not value a big, thick butt above all—one day these beautiful butts will slide their way into the crack of past trends like so many rhinestoned thongs before them. Where will we be when Nicki is too tired to twerk, Kim a heavily contoured mother of 12, and Jen Selter's career has returned to the Great Chia Bowl in the Sky?

For any trend forecasters or pop star career managers looking to discover the next It Body Part before activewear companies frantically begin to produce clothing to enhance it, I would like to tentatively and respectfully put forward a few options.

- The introduction of custom circumcision means men can finally start making their trimmed foreskins their own. Instagram is replete with celebrity mohels, and men show off their "post-bris bodies" on magazine covers.

- The tramp-stamp stages a triumphant and literal comeback.

- A 2035 Prada resort collection begins a jarring trend known as "double teeth," which is exactly what it sounds like. Teens start getting suspended from school for extracting classmates' molars in a practice called "sharking."

- Female chest hair gets its moment in the sun when Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore sport "bestie chesties" to the premiere of Charlie's Angel's III: Another Charlie's Angels Again, Sorry.

- Big old labia are all the rage. Women halve plums, apricots, and other juicy, pitted fruits and then use these to stuff their leggings to show off a fat set.

- It becomes extremely hip to take off your ribs and wear them on the outside.

- Everybody who's anybody is showing off their new jowl implants.

- In preparation for climate change, people living in coastal cities start webbing their fingers and toes. Hollywood catches on, and Syndactyly Salons pop up all over town. By the time Chloë Grace Moretz gets a knuckle done to wear to the Oscars, everyone's mostly over it.

- Drake releases a concept album about big toes, causing widespread toe ring and anklet shortages across the US. Claire's stock soars, and the guys who run those celebrity foot websites just freak out. Asked about it years later, Drake admits he's "really more of a lobes guy."

- Varicose veins get an exciting rebrand as "nature's tattoos." Hipsters spent hours standing while carrying heavy weights, hoping to pop one out in time for spring.

- Eyes. Wow, how did no one think of this before? For the first time, women's eyes become a focal point for female beauty. Cosmetic products playing them up begin to appear on shelves; magazines start calling them "the window on the face."

- Butts again. Butts forever!