Living With Mental Health Issues While In The Closet

In February 2016, homosexuality, bisexuality, and transsexualism was been classified as mental disorders by the Indonesian Psychiatrists Association (PDSKJI). The move was condemned by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Studies have shown that gay men are six times more likely to suffer from depression than straight men and bisexual and lesbian women have a higher rate of mental health issues than straight women. Living in a society where something at your very core—like your sexuality—is persecuted, it's easy to see why mental disorders would be prevalent in the LGBTQ community.

Most of my friends are open-minded and have different sexual identities, so I am not always conscious of how much shit the general public gives LGBTQ people day to day. For many in Indonesia, coming out is not an option. LGBTQ people struggling with mental illnesses face compounded stigma, as a result many choose to stay in the closet. They feel like being in the closet will protect them from problems, but often this leads to further mental health issues.

Kaka, not her real name, identifies as a lesbian woman. She's an English teacher by day who is studying for a Masters in English Literature. She struggles with anxiety and depression and is in therapy to help her deal with these issues. Kaka can't even be out in the privacy of her home, because she lives with her family. Along with being strict muslims, her parents played a part in her traumatic childhood—where she was often beaten—which lead her to decide to keep her sexuality hidden from family and friends.

She always had fits of depressive episodes and self-esteem problems, but was usually able to handle them on her own. Around the time she started her masters, the episodes became more frequent, which prompted her to seek out a therapist.

Kaka tells me that teaching makes her feel better. "Teaching is therapy for me," she says, "I need my students, especially the younger ones, more than they need me. I feel appreciated in the classroom." She said her teenage students seem to be more accepting towards LGBTQ people than adults, and are becoming more sensitive of mental health issues.

Teaching does have it's drawbacks. "I have to act straight in order to be seen as good teacher. Some people think being on the LGBTQ spectrum makes you a bad teacher," she said. Some of the parents complained about the way she dressed, since she frequently wore a men's necktie, and that she was trying to promote LGBTQ in the classroom. "I was upset!" she admits, "But I decided to compromise by not wearing the tie anymore."

Things are worse at her university. Kaka recalls the time a classmate asked about her sexual orientation. Before she answered, her friend said she hated LGBTQ people. Since then, Kaka decided she had to add her university to the list of places she can't be herself.

After meeting people with similar experiences, she found that sharing stories with them helped her get better. Even so, she feels that her heterosexual friends are okay with her sexuality when it's convenient for them. "My straight friends still hesitate when I ask them something along the line of 'what if your children are gay?'"

Hiding her depression and treatment from her parents has been a heavy weight on Kaka's shoulders. "They would probably think it's a waste of money and would ask me to pray instead." If she came out, Kaka says being kicked out of her home would be the best outcome, the worst would be if she was sent to undergo Islamic therapy where they claim to 'heal' LGBT people.

Kaka thinks being out would help her depression and anxiety. She dreams of being able to tell her family about her love stories, and maybe her parents would finally stop bugging her about finding a man to marry.

Acha was in high school when she realized she had a crush on another girl. She wasn't really sure about her sexuality. While studying psychology at her university, she started questioning herself, exploring and dating girls on and off until she realized that she was a lesbian.

Not long after, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

She feels that being in the closet about her homosexuality has hurt her mental health. "I want to freely express how much I love my partner, like heterosexual couples." Even with the secret exacerbating her mental help issues, she still thinks that hiding her sexuality is the best thing to do in a country where LGBTQ are seen as pariahs.

For her, publicly coming out has never been an option. Acha was sent abroad by her strict Christian parents after they found out about her homosexuality. It was their attempt to separate her from her girlfriend at the time. Gossip about her started circulating her family's church, which lead Acha to many attempts at suicide.

"I have gone through times where I feel like I don't deserve to be alive, that I'm such a disappointment to others," she says.

Acha doesn't feel like she can trust her family, she says her parents are quick to judge whenever she tells them something. Feeling uncomfortable at home, she can only find acceptance in her close circle of friends.

"I feel so sad when people say LGBT people are living a life of sin, as if they are so high and mighty," she tells me, "I want them to know that we are human too. I don't think Indonesia will ever get to a point where same-sex marriage is legal, and I'm okay with that, as long as we stop the discrimination. Why is being myself so wrong?"

Luckily for both Kaka and Acha, their therapists never try to change them; they accept them for who they are. Acha's psychologist even helped to explain her sexuality to her parents.

They have both found different coping mechanisms. Kaka escapes to the world of film, photography, music, and TV shows. Acha relies on art and social media as her outlet. "I think that finding peace within yourself is so important. I believe that good people will stay and love you for who you are," Acha said.

I asked Kaka about the most reassuring thing she ever heard someone say regarding her current situation. "I watched Jason Silva (of Brain Games) in a video where he says, 'Instead of being depressed and popping pills to suppress our anxiety, we need to practice gratitude and learn to say thank you. Amidst the inconceivable cosmic ash of nothing, we are here, and we can love, we can yearn, we can dream, we have it all,'" she says. "And I think that was beautiful."

Rock Bottom is VICE Indonesia's on-going column on mental health, depression, and how to deal with it all in a country where frank discussions of mental illness are still pretty taboo.