A Study Says Drinking Mimosas in the Sun Will Slowly Kill You

Brace yourself, white people.

Much like talking about how diverse your friends are, wearing Kente cloth, or engaging in rhythmic movement at a concert, there's yet another addition to your "must avoid at all costs" list. But unlike those old stalwarts, this new addendum could very well put a serious damper on your mimosa-splashed summer.

A study recently published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology explores the direct correlation between malignant melanoma and the sultry spinster of summertime: citrus.

Physicians have long believed that psoralens, the compounds found in abundance in citrus fruit, can directly affect skin's sensitivity to light exposure, a belief that was mainly upheld by anecdotal evidence. Maybe you've noticed the sunburned hands of your favorite lime-squeezing bartender or made note of the sunburn streaks on a kid that matches where a citrus-flavored popsicle dripped down her chin.

Well, now there is evidence to prove it: citrus can kill you. Very slowly.

I'm about to seriously jeopardize my ability to ever return home to Miami, but hear me out. Here's the evidence:

A total of 63,810 women in the Nurses' Health Study (1984 to 2010) and 41,622 men in the Health Professionals Follow-Up Study (1986 to 2010) were observed over a quarter of a century. Those who consumed citrus 1.6 or more times per day had a 36 percent higher risk of getting malignant melanoma than their non-citrus-scarfing associates.

And those who love to eat grapefruits and drink orange juice—like most people, as this isn't Htrae or some bizarro multiverse, after all—had worse results than those who preferred to eat oranges and drink grapefruit juice.

Why would this be? It has to do with where the concentrations of photoactive compounds are in these particular types of fruit.

In any event, these compounds have a half-life that is up to 48 to 72 hours in your system, so being careful in the sun for that period of time is essential.

Lead author Shaowei Wu, a postdoctoral researcher at Brown University, said he does not want the study to deter us from eating and drinking citrus fruit: "This work does not indicate that we are concerned about citrus consumption. In fact, citrus consumption is very important for vitamin C and other very healthy attributes."

But here's the thing: "People need to be aware that when they are consuming certain fruits and vegetables that contain these photoactive compounds, they need to be more careful with their sun exposure the next few hours in particular and probably the next day or two. It's just a matter of being careful with how much ultraviolet radiation they are getting post-consumption."

So do what doctors have been telling you to do for a long time now: use sunscreen with an SPF of 30 to 50, one that blocks both UVA and UVB rays. Also, avoid the sun at midday. And wear protective clothing.

Or don't. After all, it's really your citrus-stained meat sack we're talking about.

Bottom line: White people who drink orange juice or eat a lot of grapefruit—as any good scurvy-hating brunch-goer does—should avoid thinking they can hold off on installing that Coppertone lap pool for another season.

And just in case you plan on throwing caution to the wind this summer like the culinary scofflaws I know you all are, spit at the sun as you down Hoxie Spritzer's melon and midori wine spritzer.

Bottoms up, Sun, you hydrogen-heaving gasbag!