Ah, when mortals overreach. The literary-minded call it “hubris”, after the Ancient Greek story where Odysseus decides it'd be a laugh to tear out a Cyclops' only eye. Fast forward ten years, and the little piss-taker has spent the last decade getting tossed around in the ocean because the Cyclops' dad is Poseidon, vengeful god of the sea. Odysseus paid a heavy price for his misplaced confidence, as do many in Greek literature where "hubris" – arrogance – is famously and inevitably followed by "nemesis" – a fall.If “hubris” seems a little grand to you, then we can just call it “being a hilarious, blinkered, narcissistic jerk” and leave it at that. Here are some people who've been alive since the fall of Ancient Greece and, failing to learn Odysseus' lesson, have spent their lives being really arrogant. We list their crimes against modesty and the subsequent and deserved punishments they've received from the world's invisible forces.Perhaps unsurprisingly, most of them are actors.
GORDON BROWN
The Hubris
Never shy about his own supposedly massive intellect, famous micro-managing maniac and former Prime Minister Gordon Brown is writing a book, to be published at the end of this year, on what the world will look like in 2025. “Drawing from his wealth of experience as a world leader” (the impartial judgement of GordonAndSarahBrown.com there, folks), Brown’s mind-blowing ideas include computers being important, more people going to university and women living single, Sex and the City-style lives. Watch out, J.G. Ballard, someone’s gonna have to exhume you just so that you can weep about the writer you could have been. The Nemesis
Given that no one has read any of the other books he’s written, Brown’s punishment is likely to be eerily familiar to him: sadly refreshing his Amazon statistics every few minutes, sighing as the figure doesn’t change. MADONNAThe Hubris
Her past is a rich mine for this kind of thing but let’s keep it recent. Madonna's mistake was making W/E, a film about a spoilt prince who loved the Nazis and refused to do the only thing he was ever asked to do in order to marry a similarly awful person. I guess as a monstrous human being who was sometimes unfairly criticised, Madonna could identify with Wallis Simpson, which makes the film a thinly-veiled "fuck off" to everyone who ever dared doubt the voguing virgin. Oh, also the Super Bowl. The Nemesis
No one liked W/E and, in an unlikely twist of fate, Guy Ritchie is acceptable again because everyone finds his Sherlock Holmes bromances fun. ALAN CUMMING
The Hubris
Releasing his own line of perfumes called “Cumming” and making this absolutely incredible advert for one of them. As he reclines in various poses, fingers often in mouth, Alan takes us through some valuable life lessons. “It’s important to know how to have fun and it’s fun to know what is important,” which is fucking, wearing perfume and rolling around on a bed before crouching naked on a small chair in front of a laptop. Unlike the rest of the people here though, Alan Cumming knows exactly how funny this is and that makes him the greatest actor/ perfume entrepreneur the world has ever known. Alan, call me baby, I want to roll around in a white sheet while you update your Cumming tumblr. The Nemesis
He should have been given the Michael Fassbender part in Shame as a reward for embodying sex, but instead he ended up playing “Gutsy Smurf” in last year’s Smurfs film, which does sort of seem like punishment. Perhaps God doesn’t like provocative perfumes being endorsed by flamboyantly bi Scottish actors. If that’s the case, fuck you God, you square! OSCAR DE LA HOYAThe Hubris Cross-dressing is all good as long as you don’t then pretend you never did it and hire lawyers, a PR team, business associates and corrupt image specialists to help you accuse the stripper you tarted around with of releasing fake images of you. Having aggressively accused his lover/ photographer of being a lying bitch, De La Hoya then came clean, saying, “Yes, yes, yes, it was me” which is a bit like mercilessly battering someone for disagreeing with you and then, once their face has turned into pulp, admitting you could see their point all along and hey, can’t we all just be friends? Except of course De La Hoya hasn’t actually apologised. (And probably has no friends.) The Nemesis
The stripper wants $5 million. TOM CRUISE
The Hubris
Someone I know once worked as a kind of house Elf for Tom Cruise, cleaning and making food and generally assisting him and Katie Holmes. The catch was that she and her fellow employees had to remain hidden from sight at all times, which meant that she would often have to jump into a closet or hide behind a wall when Tom or Katie approached. Here, also, is Mr. Mission Impossible explaining the dark history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer. Does he want to say “Matt” a little bit more? It seems crazy to me that Tom Cruise is not the world’s most respected doctor as well as the world’s most respected practitioner of film stunts. The Nemesis
Everyone thinking he’s been brain-washed by a cult and can no longer make good films. SIMON CALLOWThe Hubris
Just look at the cover and think about the title of his book Being an Actor, and then remember that every Christmas he ends up thinking he’s Charles Dickens. Ah yes, to be an actor! To strut and walk upon the stage as it were but a pavement on the way to the office. To inhabit genius fully, dear boy, and reveal it to others in all it’s fruity-voiced magnificence. The Nemesis
The public at large being afflicted with a genuine inability to remember who he is. Being made to go on Jamie Oliver’s Dream School. RICKY GERVAISThe Hubris
Everything? Trying to ruin Tina Fey by putting her in a desperately unfunny, painfully obvious film that was meant to be an allegory for the creation of religion (“lying” is “religion”, get it?!?!?!). All the Golden Globe in-jokes that were meant to be really risqué and like, on the edge… And then backing that up by getting balding hat wearer Johnny Depp to get "mad" at him in his new TV show. Being unbearably smug every single minute of his life. The Nemesis
Everyone telling him his writing is now entirely based on securing celebrity cameos. Being really rich – because, as we all know, it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven. DARREN ARONOFSKYThe Hubris
Letting Jared Leto be in a film is bad, but even that is probably topped by The Fountain, a $35 million dollar ego-fest that has “three storylines told non-linearly, each separated by five centuries” and was referred to by Aronofsky as a “Rubik’s cube” because its creator (Aronofsky) is just so damn clever. Is one of the storylines Mayan? You bet! The Nemesis
Being a dead-eyed, David Arquette lookalike. Getting dumped by official “lovely English actor” Rachel Weisz.Follow Oscar on Twitter: @oscarrickettnow
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Never shy about his own supposedly massive intellect, famous micro-managing maniac and former Prime Minister Gordon Brown is writing a book, to be published at the end of this year, on what the world will look like in 2025. “Drawing from his wealth of experience as a world leader” (the impartial judgement of GordonAndSarahBrown.com there, folks), Brown’s mind-blowing ideas include computers being important, more people going to university and women living single, Sex and the City-style lives. Watch out, J.G. Ballard, someone’s gonna have to exhume you just so that you can weep about the writer you could have been. The Nemesis
Given that no one has read any of the other books he’s written, Brown’s punishment is likely to be eerily familiar to him: sadly refreshing his Amazon statistics every few minutes, sighing as the figure doesn’t change. MADONNAThe Hubris
Her past is a rich mine for this kind of thing but let’s keep it recent. Madonna's mistake was making W/E, a film about a spoilt prince who loved the Nazis and refused to do the only thing he was ever asked to do in order to marry a similarly awful person. I guess as a monstrous human being who was sometimes unfairly criticised, Madonna could identify with Wallis Simpson, which makes the film a thinly-veiled "fuck off" to everyone who ever dared doubt the voguing virgin. Oh, also the Super Bowl. The Nemesis
No one liked W/E and, in an unlikely twist of fate, Guy Ritchie is acceptable again because everyone finds his Sherlock Holmes bromances fun. ALAN CUMMING
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Releasing his own line of perfumes called “Cumming” and making this absolutely incredible advert for one of them. As he reclines in various poses, fingers often in mouth, Alan takes us through some valuable life lessons. “It’s important to know how to have fun and it’s fun to know what is important,” which is fucking, wearing perfume and rolling around on a bed before crouching naked on a small chair in front of a laptop. Unlike the rest of the people here though, Alan Cumming knows exactly how funny this is and that makes him the greatest actor/ perfume entrepreneur the world has ever known. Alan, call me baby, I want to roll around in a white sheet while you update your Cumming tumblr. The Nemesis
He should have been given the Michael Fassbender part in Shame as a reward for embodying sex, but instead he ended up playing “Gutsy Smurf” in last year’s Smurfs film, which does sort of seem like punishment. Perhaps God doesn’t like provocative perfumes being endorsed by flamboyantly bi Scottish actors. If that’s the case, fuck you God, you square! OSCAR DE LA HOYAThe Hubris Cross-dressing is all good as long as you don’t then pretend you never did it and hire lawyers, a PR team, business associates and corrupt image specialists to help you accuse the stripper you tarted around with of releasing fake images of you. Having aggressively accused his lover/ photographer of being a lying bitch, De La Hoya then came clean, saying, “Yes, yes, yes, it was me” which is a bit like mercilessly battering someone for disagreeing with you and then, once their face has turned into pulp, admitting you could see their point all along and hey, can’t we all just be friends? Except of course De La Hoya hasn’t actually apologised. (And probably has no friends.) The Nemesis
The stripper wants $5 million. TOM CRUISE
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Someone I know once worked as a kind of house Elf for Tom Cruise, cleaning and making food and generally assisting him and Katie Holmes. The catch was that she and her fellow employees had to remain hidden from sight at all times, which meant that she would often have to jump into a closet or hide behind a wall when Tom or Katie approached. Here, also, is Mr. Mission Impossible explaining the dark history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer. Does he want to say “Matt” a little bit more? It seems crazy to me that Tom Cruise is not the world’s most respected doctor as well as the world’s most respected practitioner of film stunts. The Nemesis
Everyone thinking he’s been brain-washed by a cult and can no longer make good films. SIMON CALLOWThe Hubris
Just look at the cover and think about the title of his book Being an Actor, and then remember that every Christmas he ends up thinking he’s Charles Dickens. Ah yes, to be an actor! To strut and walk upon the stage as it were but a pavement on the way to the office. To inhabit genius fully, dear boy, and reveal it to others in all it’s fruity-voiced magnificence. The Nemesis
The public at large being afflicted with a genuine inability to remember who he is. Being made to go on Jamie Oliver’s Dream School. RICKY GERVAISThe Hubris
Everything? Trying to ruin Tina Fey by putting her in a desperately unfunny, painfully obvious film that was meant to be an allegory for the creation of religion (“lying” is “religion”, get it?!?!?!). All the Golden Globe in-jokes that were meant to be really risqué and like, on the edge… And then backing that up by getting balding hat wearer Johnny Depp to get "mad" at him in his new TV show. Being unbearably smug every single minute of his life. The Nemesis
Everyone telling him his writing is now entirely based on securing celebrity cameos. Being really rich – because, as we all know, it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven. DARREN ARONOFSKYThe Hubris
Letting Jared Leto be in a film is bad, but even that is probably topped by The Fountain, a $35 million dollar ego-fest that has “three storylines told non-linearly, each separated by five centuries” and was referred to by Aronofsky as a “Rubik’s cube” because its creator (Aronofsky) is just so damn clever. Is one of the storylines Mayan? You bet! The Nemesis
Being a dead-eyed, David Arquette lookalike. Getting dumped by official “lovely English actor” Rachel Weisz.Follow Oscar on Twitter: @oscarrickettnow