Which Would Be the Most Embarrassing Animal to Get Killed By?

The other day, a man in Belarus was killed by a beaver. What a dick.

I went out into the street to ask strangers which animal would be the most embarrassing to get killed by.

VICE: What would be the most embarrassing animal to get killed by?
Ian: A sloth.

Nice one. Have you had any close encounters with animals?
My cat scratched me once, but that’s as close as it got.

It sounds traumatic.
Oh yes.

A man was killed by a beaver the other day. Do you think the story is just a conspiracy to get some bad publicity for beavers? I hear they have too many over there at the moment and they might try to cull them soon.
I think you might be looking a little bit too much into it, mate.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

Okay then.

Ana: Something small – a squirrel, maybe.

Why a squirrel?
I don’t know. Or maybe a bird – a little robin.

Yeah, that’d be quite embarrassing. Have you had any close encounters with squirrels or robins before?
No, I haven’t, actually. I’ve got them in my garden, though.

Okay, well keep vigilant. A man tried to get a photo with a beaver the other day and it killed him.
What? A beaver attack? Just one beaver killed a man?

Yes. Can you tell what your thoughts are on that?
It’s a really embarrassing way to go, isn't it? He must have put up a really bad fight, especially if he had a camera, you know? He could have smashed it in the head with the camera. I’d be annoyed if I had to go out that way.

Marian: A slug. Actually, that’s more disgusting than embarrassing.

Being killed by a slug is still pretty embarrassing.
Yeah. I have a slug-phobia, so slugs were just the first thing that came to mind.

Have you had any close encounters with animals?
No, I’ve just been shat on by birds. Except my cat maybe. My cat is pretty feisty, but it's more like love nips than anything else.

That's weird that you have a cat.

Tom (left) and Hector.

Hector: A flamingo.

Why?
It’s pink and it looks like you can break it with your arms. You get killed by that and you’re shit.
Tom: I was going to say a gerbil. A single gerbil, mind, not a horde.

You don't think you could handle a horde?
Well no, a horde could kill you quite easily.

Are gerbil hordes common in London?
Not in London, no. Mind you, neither are flamingos. So we’re safe.

Phew. As you may have heard, a man was killed by a beaver the other day.
In London?

No, in Belarus. Do you think they’re starting a beaver cull and using that story to drum up bad PR for beavers?
I don’t believe he was killed by beavers. Over there they’ve got vendettas against beavers.

Oh, is this an ongoing issue?
You mean you haven’t heard about that?

I’ll have to look into it.
Hector: I think he cheated on his best mate’s wife and then his best mate killed him but he covered it up to make it look like a beaver killed him.

Thanks for the hot leads.

Matt: Probably a woodlouse.

Why the woodlouse?
Well they’re useless, aren’t they? They just curl up into balls.

True, how do you think it’d kill you?
Possibly if one was to crawl through radioactive waste and well, they don’t have teeth, so it would just gnaw on you. You’d just be getting gummed by a woodlouse.

Have you had any near-death experiences with animals?
Not especially. I nearly got my hand bitten off by a jaguar on Monday. I was at a photo workshop photographing big cats and one snuck up on me.

I think you're underestimating the calibre of today's other interviewees.
Am I?

Yeah, that's actually relatively impressive.
Exactly.

Rich: A goldfish.

Alright.
It’d probably take a while for it to eat you. Unless it drowned you and then ate you.

It’d still be a long process, though.
Although you wouldn’t be embarrassed if you were dead anyway.

Hmm, yeah, let's not think about that. The other day a man got killed by a beaver in Belarus, do you think because they’re trying to cull the beaver they’re just drumming up bad press for the beaver?
They probably think they’re building too many dams, or maybe the people building dams are trying to get rid of them because they’re competition. The American Dam Building association might get me for this, though.

Watch your back.

Previously - What Did You Learn from Sex-Ed?