A Hero in Someone's Mind

By using the ol' “Bible/Koran/Torah/whatever-the-fuck says so” get-away-with-anything card, people have justified doing some terrible shit; this column's basically a weekly list of that kind of activity. But there are few more disgusting that have crossed my Internet browser then the report this week about Iran looking a bit deeper into Sharia law and coming to the conclusion that of course the legal marrying age (read: “age of consent”) should be lowered all the way down to nine years old. That's when the good man upstairs chose to unleash the power of the human pubic region, after all.

Gross. Onto the roundup.

- So, remember when Will.i.am unleashed his music video for the pro-Obama “Yes We Can” song back in 2008? Looks like Mitt Romney has his own version of the viral sensation with the fan-created song “Mitt Romney, A Hero in My Mind,” courtesy of the self-proclaimed “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” William Tapley. - Father Dwight Longenecker, pastor of a Greenville, South Carolina church, is pretty sure the Dark Knight Rises shooter was possessed by demons. Because, yes, that'll stop any nonsense talk about the necessity of stricter gun control. - In Mississippi, a black couple was told on the day before their wedding they'd actually have to relocate where their nuptials would be taking place because some in the congregation complained about their blackness. - Ronald William Brown is one complicated man. On the one hand, the 57-year-old entertains kids at his church by acting out Bible stories with puppets. On the other, according to his lengthy arrest report, he has a bunch of child porn and “nursed fantasies of murdering and eating” the kids.

- A Roman Catholic priest in Long Beach was arrested for sexually groping a 14-year-old girl and two women. Meanwhile, down in Chile, another Catholic priest was accused of some heavy diddling. And over in Philadelphia, Catholic Monsignor William Lynn was sentenced to three to six years for his role in covering up sexual abuses on children by priests.

- In Pennsylvania, five terrible people were arrested for “terrorizing” a Jewish camp. Among their acts: shooting campers with paintball guns, driving their pickup truck (of course) through the camp recklessly, and shouting a whole bunch of anti-Semitic slurs.

- In a kind of good news/bad news story, a British hotel owner decided to take out all the Bibles from his 40 guest rooms. (Yeah!) But, in their place, he decided to swap in that Fifty Shades of Grey book your mom is currently masturbating to. (Boo!) But still, probably a net positive?

- This week in Chick-fil-A nonsense: Despite the sudden, unexpected death of public relations chief Don Perry due to heart attack, the campaign for idiocy rages on courtesy of Christian assholes Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee. They're leading the charge to defending the chicken maker's stance on traditional marriage by marking August 1st as “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.” Says Santorum on his Facebook page, the only forum he really has left for his ass-headed views: “No signs and no protest,” just have a meal and enjoy the chicken! Anyone else think “National Same Sex Kiss Day” at Chick-fil-A, this August 3rd, should be moved up a couple of days just to freak a few more people out? Oh, also, fuck you still Sarah Palin and your creepy goatee'd husband person.

- A strict ban on all abortions in the Dominican Republic has lead to the ultimate morality play scenario: A 16-year-old's dying from leukemia, and doctors can't attack the disease with aggressive chemotherapy because she's pregnant and the procedure will pretty much definitely kill the baby. The 16-year-old's mother has been pleading with doctors and the government to relax their policy for this case, but to no avail as of yet. - OK, listen: This “Ask Jesus To Come Sit On Your Heart” video is not from this past week. It was  uploaded to YouTube in 2008, so it's not even recent. But it's new to me, and only has about 30,000 views, so I'm using some editorial license to include it here. Because it's awesome. And, as the uploader makes clear, it “is not comedy.”

- In Nebraska, a lesbian woman was attacked by three masked men who bound her with zip ties and carved anti-gay slurs into her skin. In Oklahoma, a gay man was attacked by assailants who spray-painted the word “fag” on his car, before torching it with a firebomb. While mentions of religious influence has yet to be introduced into either news story, it doesn't seem like much of a logistical leap.

- In northwest Pakistan, a bomb detonated in a truck parked outside a market, killing 11. - Al-Qaeda is reportedly back on the rise, as evidenced by a series of coordinated clashes last week in Iraq that left at least 100 people dead. Also, they've become one of the key forces behind the ongoing craziness in Syria.

- And our Person(s) of the Week: While a whole lot of people came out against the outspoken bigotry of Chick-fil-A by stuffing their same-sex support right in their stupid greasy faces faces—including, definitely not least, Amazon.com's Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie, who sent $2.5 million into Washington to help pass a state referendum—it was the Jim Henson Company who made the first step in active protest by deciding to end their relationship with the company and donate the money it received to GLAAD. That's some good work there, Muppet people. Previously - Abortionland