This week I’m gonna explain what “some white people shit” is to all of you dreamers and schemers out there. There is a chance that what I’m about to say could come off as a bit racist (to the average sensitive crybaby), but here’s the catch: It’s just the simple truth. So deal with it, please.
I’m sure some idiot out there will take offense and try to do a “some black people shit” editorial, but I wouldn’t recommend that. Actually, now that I think about it, that idea is the epitome of “some white people shit.” Anyway, I got some finals to prepare for and all that good stuff, so let’s get to it. Enjoy.
DEFINING RACISM TO PEOPLE OF COLOR
Yup, that’s exactly what I need: Someone who’s never been through something defining it for me. Just the other day this dummy walks up to me and goes, “If you think that sticker that says ‘Re-Nig on Obama in 2012’ is racist, you’re an idiot.” I’ve never had such a rush of second-hand embarrassment in my entire life.
EATING BREAD WITH EVERYTHING
White people, step in here really quick. Look, what’s y’all’s fascination with bread? Seriously? It really ain’t that good. It don’t taste like chicken. And, furthermore, it smells like a baseball glove. I’m saying y’all eat bread with everything. One time I seen this dude eating butter with bread. Yep, that’s it; homie didn’t even make a grilled cheese or nuffin’. Just butter and bread. Lawd hammercy.
USE INSTRUCTIONS TO MAKE KOOL-AID
On some real shit, I had no idea Kool-Aid even had instructions until I went to a white friend’s house. His moms was reading the Kool-Aid package, like she had never seen such a thing in her life. I was confused by that whole entire series of events and have continued to be till this very day.
CURSING YOUR PARENTS OUT
I remember when I was a kid I tried to slip something out to my moms. I wasn’t even done with the first two letters, and I felt a hand upside my head with a type of ferocity I’d never felt before in my life. I don’t know how y’all get away with talking to your parents like they’re someone on the streets, but this is clearly some white people shit.
GOING OUTSIDE TO “SEE WHAT THAT NOISE IS”
“Honey… what’s that noise?”
“I have nary a clue, sweetheart baby. Let me step outside and check.”
You don’t hear these kinda conversations where I’m from whatsoever. We hear something outside, we turn the television up and wait to hear more about it on the news. I ain’t got time to be getting chopped up, chewed up, or dying. Them new Jordans ’bout to drop and I ain’t missing that for the world.
Speaking of Jordans, this is the only time I’ve ever seen black folks camp out. I wasn’t around for the Second Great Movement of the early 1800s, so I can’t speak on black folks camping out back then. But, as of now, you find me some black folks in a tent in the woods, and I’ll be glad to shake their hands for the bravery they have exhibited.
ALWAYS WANNA TELL BLACK PEOPLE A STORY ABOUT THIS “ONE BLACK GUY I KNOW”
Why, why, why must you bore us with stories about your sole black friend? Oh, you know some black people? Or, sorry, a black person. One. Man! Tell us all about them! And make sure you do that embarrassing thing where you try to sound “hip” while you’re telling us. Fuckin’ clown.
Falling while getting chased by a killer in a movie, chasing tornados, having a bunch of shampoo and conditioner, showing ass and titties but not giving up the ass and titties, talking to a dog like it’s a person.