It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:
Cry-Baby #1: Mike Amess
Screencap via the Daily Mail
The incident: Kim Kardashian existed.
The apropriate response: Apathy. Maybe mild disgust.
The actual response: A man took his story to a newspaper, claiming that he has a phobia of Kim Kardashian that causes him to become physically ill.
Mike Amess is a 24-year-old gay man in Exeter, England.
Earlier this week, a story appeared about him in the Daily Mail, under the headline "Man so petrified of the Kardashians that the sight of semi-naked Kim on TV makes him VOMIT with disgust."
In the article, Mike explains his phobia can make him physically ill. "Just hearing the sound of the Kardashians' nasal voices or catching a glimpse of them on screen makes me feel nauseous and shaky," he told the paper. "My hands get clammy, my breathing gets heavier and I start sweating. Sometimes I get teary and want to retch."
Mike, who is possibly joking, went on to explain that his phobia started while he was trying to suppress his homosexuality as a teenager. "Loads of boys at school were going on about how good Kim Kardashian's sex tape was. I thought I'd give it a watch in the hope it would turn me on," he explained.
"I watched it in my bedroom. But the sight of Kim writhing around with her huge bum and the sound of her horrible high-pitched wailing really repulsed me. I really wanted to be aroused by her so I kept watching it but she made me feel more and more upset," he added.
He claimed that, by the end of the sex tape, he was in tears.
Mike thinks that this traumatic experience is what has caused his "phobia" of Kim. He says that his phobia has increased as Kim's popularity has, and that his Kardashian fear has grown to include every member of the Kardashian family. "I dislike everything about them, especially their physical appearance... I can't stand their voices either. They're so whiny and shrill," he said.
Obviously, this is an unfortunate phobia to have—or at least pretend to have—as the Kardashians are currently everywhere. "Every website or magazine you read has them plastered all over... Sometimes I miss out on a lot of important news or celebrity gossip because I have to avoid everything which features the Kardashians," Mike said.
He also claims that his Kardashian-phobia has ruined his ability to have relationships. "A lot of the gay community love the Kardashians so it makes dating tough sometimes," he said. "I've been romantically involved with several people who like them and each one of these relationships have ended badly."
The Daily Mail reports that Mike has never sought medical help for his condition, as he is too embarrassed (though, oddly, not too embarrassed to talk to the world's most read news site about it.)
Cry-Baby #2: Anil Patel
The incident: Modern fashion dictated that men would start wearing their pants lower.
The appropriate response: Nothing.
The actual response: A convenience store owner put up a sign, calling people that sag their pants "fags."
Anil Patel owns a convenience store called PCA in LaGrange, Georgia.
Anil, whose name sounds a lot like "anal," and has presumably been the butt of a fair few gay jokes in his time, is super not into seeing men wearing their pants low. "I'm not here to fuck them, I'm here to serve them. If they wanna come into my business, they'd better have their pants up," he told Atlanta's WSB-TV2.
So, to prove how straight he is and totally not into looking at guy's butts, he put up a sign warning, "No shoes! No shirt! Pants up!!! No service!"
Apparently, this did not do the trick, and customers continued to come into Anil's store with their pants sagging. This may have been because his sign is worded to make it seem as though you will be refused service if your pants are up. Who knows?
So last week, Anil put up a new, more homophobic, sign which read:
"'ONLY 'FAGS' LIKE TO KEEP THEIR PANTS DOWN!!!! PULL YOUR PANTS UP!!! OR BE PROUD TO BE "FAG"!!!!'"
All sic, obviously.
WSB-TV2 spoke with Anil about the sign, and he said it's been successful. He told them, “Since that sign went up there, I don’t see no pants down in my store, because they read the sign and they decide what they want to be.”
He also said that he has received so much support from people about the sign, he's ordered bumper stickers printed with the nonsensical hate speech that he intends to sell at the store.
Which of these folks is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this little poll down here:
Winner: The cop!!!