These Underwear Hide Your Boners from the World

Or you could take three deep breaths and try to remember what you had for lunch the day before yesterday.

|
Jul 14 2015, 7:23pm

Screencap via YouTube

Read: I Tried a Four-Week Workout Regimen to Strengthen My Dick

Boners are involuntary, as 14-year-olds riding crowded subway trains in sweatpants, and guys doing yoga in public parks can attest. Standard operating procedure for an unwanted erection in public is to discreetlytuck it into your waistband, which can be tough, requiring at least a few seconds of privacy. But the makers of Bloxers think they've got a better way. (Spoiler: it's underwear with a slot inside that your boner slides into.)

The folks at Bloxers are trying to raise $20,000 on Indiegogo. They uploaded a video (above) and it hides the simplicity of their product behind one minute and 40 seconds of dudes doing impressions of Silicon Valley douches bloviating about changing the world. They mention at the end that there's a working prototype, but they don't show it.

According to their website, Bloxers inventors Maria Palla Valiente, Marta Marino Maza, and Chris Woods say, "Each pair has an all cotton exterior with a hypoallergenic stretch fabric sewn along the inseam. This fabric, dubbed the 'Deflector Shield' covers your crotch and deflects you to your chosen side."

The Indiegogo page says the deflector shield "allows you to grow, but at a controlled pace," which sounds odd, like it's a drug that slows down your erectile response.

The diagram they've made helps a little:

Screencap via Indiegogo

So presumably the "deflector shield" is pretty snug—snugger than a pair of boxer briefs—and it has a seam in front that directs your suddenly engorged dick up and off to one side without projecting forward. When they say "controlled pace," they mean any eagle-eyed onlookers might notice your pants slowly getting tighter, but there won't be any abrupt, flopping-around movement to catch anyone's attention.

That definitely seems like it would work. Alternatively, you could take three deep breaths and try to remember what you had for lunch the day before yesterday. That works flawlessly.

Follow Mike Pearl on Twitter.

More VICE
Vice Channels