A Totally Not Made Up Cryptocurrency Conspiracy Featuring LaVar Ball

Is it possible that LaVar Ball will fund his new basketball league with Bitcoin?
January 3, 2018, 6:23pm
Image via YouTube/Bitcoin

A lot of people automatically dismiss e-currency as a lost cause because of all the companies that failed since the 1990's. I hope it's obvious it was only the centrally controlled nature of those systems that doomed them. I think this is the first time we're trying a decentralized, non-trust-based system.

-Satoshi Nakamoto, 02/15/2009

On October 27, 1997, LaVar Ball, the former London Monarch and Long Beach City College Viking, developing upon his radical vision to create a decentralized human network of basketball wealth that would exist outside of the centralized power of sneaker companies, mined the first block of his newly created Ball chain from wife Tina, and named it “Lonzo,” or “Zo.”

This marked the first crypto act of a soon-to-be crypto master. Could it actually be? Is LaVar is on the crypto?

A March 2017 USA Today profile on LaVar and the success of his limited supply, three-son block chain, includes the following passage:

Lonzo and LiAngelo each drive $100,000 BMWs, said Ball, who is a self-employed personal trainer and whose wife, Tina, is a middle school physical education teacher.

According to Glassdoor, the average salary for a personal trainer in the Chino Hills, CA, ZIP code is $31,504 per year, with a high end of $55,000 per year. The average salary for a middle school P.E. teacher in the same geographic area is $48,399 per year with a high of $65,000.

The price of the cryptocurrency Bitcoin on March 13th, 2017, the publishing date of the USA Today profile, was $1219.35. This marked a 187 percent increase from a price of $425.52 on March 28, 2016, the date on which LaVar filed a trademark for the “BBB” logo of Big Baller Brand.

If LaVar and Tina are assumed to earn at the high end of the average regional salaries for their professions, their combined annual income would be approximately $120,000. If they invested their entire $120,000 annual earnings in Bitcoin—as a true believer in the decentralization of power and the crypto movement would most certainly do—a 187 percent return in that year would yield a $224,400 profit, which just so happens to line up with the price of those two $100,000 BMWs.


When the third Ball, LaMelo, celebrated his 16th birthday on August 22nd, 2017, he received a Lamborghini that appears to be the Gallardo model (base price: ~$200,000) as his birthday present. LiAngelo, meanwhile, has been upgraded to a Ferrari that appears to be the 458 model (base price: ~$230,000).

On the day of LaMelo’s birthday, the price of Bitcoin was $4123.42, marking a 238 percent increase from the time of the USA Today feature in March 2017.

Applying the 238 percent increase to the priorly assumed salary figures for LaVar and Tina yields an estimated yearly profit of $285,600, which might cover the price of two used Italian sports cars. However, this figure omits the success by this point of LaVar’s human block chain and its subsequent crypto potential.

In June 2017, the Los Angeles Lakers selected Lonzo Ball with the second overall pick in the NBA Draft, as the organization hoped Lonzo’s natural gifts for enacting specific libertarian philosophies within a basketball offense would decentralize the Lakers offense and allow peer-to-peer transactions to flourish.

On July 3, 2017, Lonzo signed a contract with the Lakers that paid him $13,748,520 in guaranteed money, in addition to his 2017-2018 salary of $6,286,560.

The price of Bitcoin on July 3, 2017, was $2552.59. If Lonzo put the entire $13,748,520 lump sum at that time into crypto––which, I mean, why would he not?––he would have earned $12,648,638 in profit by September 1st, 2017, with the price of Bitcoin on that date reaching $4908.84. That month, the Balls purchased the 13,800-square-foot “Ball Mansion” in Chino Hills for $5.2 million.

On December 17, 2017, Bitcoin reached its highest price in history, $19,213.57. Three days later, on December 20, 2017, CryptoVar announced that he was creating the Junior Basketball Association, a professional alternative to the NCAA that would pay players up to $10,000 per month. LaVar said the league will be funded entirely by Big Baller Brand, a clothing line that few people outside the Ball family have ever been seen wearing, yet could theoretically function quite well as a means to launder crypto.

As LaVar further adopts the crypto lifestyle, at some point it is only natural that he would explore the potential of mining crypto himself. Bitcoin mining is the system by which fractions of Bitcoin are released every ten minutes to computer systems around the world that participate in the processing of Bitcoin transactions, a system that is something like a competition or lottery for computers. To win these small releases, serious miners often build and man vast warehouses of computers, often in remote parts of the world where electricity and cost of living are cheap––places not unlike...Lithuania.

That is a bitcoin mining operation in Lithuania on a Lithuanian television news program.

This is a headline in Forbes from 2015 declaring that “Cryptocurrency Is The Future Of Lithuania’s Economy.”

This is an article from earlier this year showing that Lithuania has more nodes––essentially computer systems that maintain the Bitcoin network––than any other Baltic state.

This is an article from the New York Times about LaVar Ball choosing to pull LiAngelo out of a nationally recognized university and pull his other son LaMelo out of his junior year of high school in a wealthy Los Angeles suburb, and ship them both off to work in a remote part of a country that has the most Bitcoin nodes of any Baltic state and where cryptocurrency is seen as the future of the national economy.

Friends, the BBBallercoin is coming.