Food by VICE

Neighborhood Vandal Steals Pumpkin, Returns It with 'PENIS' Carving

The cocky carver even included candles.

by Bettina Makalintal
Dec 4 2018, 7:44pm

Screengrab from Nextdoor

According to all the Instagram stories I saw this weekend of people hauling pines down the sidewalk, I think every person I follow in Brooklyn (at least those who celebrate Christmas) just got their tree. Given that it is now officially December, this is a reasonable decorative choice.

You know what’s not reasonable? Still having pumpkins around. While it’s still technically autumn, and pumpkins are fall as fuck, I think most of us can agree that anytime after Thanksgiving is ideologically winter. Therefore, Halloween-themed decorations have got to go by the end of November, no matter how much you love the spoopy season.

One vandal in Brooklyn seems to agree that pumpkins are past their prime. According to a resident in Greenpoint, someone stole a pumpkin right off their stoop. But instead of just making off with the gourd, the bandit carved the word PENIS into it—and then returned it, candles included. The "obscene pumpkin vandal" was called out, as you will, in the Crime & Safety section of the Greenpoint Nextdoor group, a neighborhood-exclusive social networking site.

A screenshot of the post was uploaded to Instagram by Greenpoint resident RJ Ober. It reads: “At some point yesterday (Saturday, November 25) a person or persons who do not live in my building removed my uncarved pumpkin from my stoop, carved it, and replaced it with candles and all. They carved the word ‘Penis’ into the side of it.”

Perhaps the vandal’s goal was to inspire the homeowner to dispose of their now-seasonally-outdated decor by making it... say "penis." However, the carving is well-done, and this was clearly someone who knew their way around a gourd. Personally, I would keep the PENIS pumpkin around for as long as possible.

So this begs the question: What will the homeowner do now that they have been bequeathed this surprise? The original Nextdoor poster does not seem super amused by the vandal's sense of humor. Sadly, the post does not appear to have yielded any answers regarding the identity of the cocky carver. Intrigued locals posted a follow-up a few days later to ask for updates on the "violent pumpkin vandal."

And as one might expect, the comments devolved mostly into dick jokes. "This criminal sounds like a real dick," wrote one user; "I imagine the perpetrators will be facing some stiff penalties," wrote another.

Pumpkin vandal, if you're reading this, we hope you think long and hard about your actions.