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This $95,000 Hippopotamus Couch Is an Investment, OK

It's time to grow up. It's time to go into massive amounts of debt to own this heinous sofa.

by River Donaghey
Oct 30 2019, 3:58pm

screenshot via Hammacher and Schlemmer

There is a small but integral developmental milestone that we all reach in our quest towards maturity when, setting down our chipped free-box mugs and kneeling on the floor of our squalid apartments to pick a roommate's crusty, melted cheese from the kitchen tile or whatever, we are suddenly hit with a realization: Maybe, finally, it's time to actually try and own nice things.

Well, worry not, you would-be adults—the fine furniture folks at Hammacher Schlemmer have just the thing for you. Please, behold this glorious hippo couch, painstakingly crafted out of the finest of fake leathers:

Sure, uh, the thing costs $95,000, but that is a small price to pay for such a striking centerpiece for your new, grown-up home, right?

Besides, look at everything that nearly six-figure sum buys you: Life-like hippo skin! A strangely scrotal snout! A pair of terrifying gray eyes that definitely will not haunt you, late into the night, when you realize you spent more than a downpayment on a home to buy a hippopotamus sofa! And, amazingly, you can sit on it, too—albeit extremely upright and presumably not at all comfortably.

"Unlike the aggressive, unpredictable nature of the hippopotamus, this sofa provides a reliable place to read or entertain guests," the Hammacher Schlemmer description reads, "while paying tribute to the animal ancient cultures revered for its intrepidity, tenacity, and bravery."

Welcome to your future. Welcome to adulthood. Welcome to going into massive amounts of debt to own some furniture that looks like a sub-Saharan animal!

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