I never thought saying something like "it is good to wash your hands especially if you just took a dump,” could prove controversial, but, after reading something The New York Times published this week, I’m not so sure. In an article published Thursday, writer Nicholas Bakalar tells readers to "Wash Your Hands in the Kitchen and the Bathroom." He goes on to say that while it’s “important to wash your hands carefully after handling raw chicken,” which, agreed, “It may be even more important to wash them after going to the bathroom,” which, am I having a stroke??
It’s not that I don’t agree with Bakalar. I do think washing your hands is good. I do think it’s important to wash your hands after using the bathroom, and I’m not alone in thinking that. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention also advise us to wash our hands, as keeping your hands clean is “one of most important steps [we] can take to avoid getting sick and spreading germs to others.”
I just can’t believe The New York Times, a newspaper written for ostensibly overall wealthy and educated adults, feels the need to spell that out for its readership. (Unless maybe it does? Are the rich OK??) Are we, as a people, really that gross? Am I the only person who washes her hands after using the bathroom?!
A casual perusal of various subreddits tells me that while the average person washes her hands after pooping, whether at home or in a public restroom, not everyone does it after peeing! “Nothing is more sanitary than my dick,” wrote reborn_monkey in an r/AskMen thread on Reddit from five years ago, while irritatedcitydweller said, “In a public bathroom, you're better off not washing because doing so only increases the number of surfaces that you need to touch.” Really hope I’ve never sucked either of these guys’ fingers, but every day is a winding road, as Sheryl Crow once said, so who knows!!
Don’t be like those guys. Please. Just wash your hands after you use the bathroom! No matter what you do in there and no matter if it’s a public or private restroom, just wash your hands! In fact, just wash your hands, period! Just got into the office after grippin ye olde subwaye pole all morning? Wash your hands. Just hugged your depressed friend Stephanie who hasn’t come out of her room in three days? Wash your hands. Held an unfriendly dog for the 'gram? Wash your hands. Just broadly speaking…wash your hands. Cancel me if you must, but please, I’m begging you…wash your hands after you do it.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Harron Walker on Twitter .