Music by VICE

Determining the Definitive Drake Face

'Scorpion' is here, so there's never been a better time to sculpt the Boy's Mount Rushmore of moods with this comprehensive list.

by Devin Pacholik, Sarah MacDonald , and Jabbari Weekes
Jul 5 2018, 6:00pm

Drake is one of the most recognizable aspects of the Canadian brand. He’s like snow, both in terms of how connected he is to our national identity and by how likely he is to get served by Pusha-T. He was one of the most important people since Shania Twain to make us look cool in the United States, which is basically the greatest aspiration of any Canadian. Or at least, Drake makes us feel like we look cool. That power is translated through his music, but in truth it’s all in the face. Drake’s gloriously bearded, emotional and sometimes unfortunately decorated face is a symbol of our inflated sense of worth and remorselessly lame swagger. If his music is a religion, his face is the miracle that cures the blind and converts the non-believers. At the very least, it makes a good meme.

The cover photo for Scorpion is a black and white studio shot, brilliantly framed by photographer Norman Wong. The piece makes Drake look like a timeless monument, a statue to be revered for a thousand years, dominating Toronto’s skyline and blotting out the sun like the Views cover. I reached out to Wong to comment on the photograph, and he emailed back saying, “Love to work with you guys but unfortunately I signed a pretty hefty contract where I can not talk to any media or press.” Incredible. Drake’s face has a team of lawyers. Drake’s face is an industry.

He is so recognizable, I once found out even old people in the middle of nowhere with limited internet access know who Drake is. As someone who has tried to recreate his iconic style, I can say he is an impossible force of nature throughout the many eras, moods, beefs and albums. With Canada Day looming and the anticipated release of Scorpion, Noisey decided to celebrate by ranking Drake’s many faces. From Serious Drake to Vaping Drake to Allegedly Smoking Marijuana Drake, there are so many important Drake faces. We gathered all his faces and broke them down for their artistic, religious and scientific value. Drake opens Scorpion with the line "My Mount Rushmore is me with four different expressions" and this is that Mount Rushmore. See the many Drakes below, and perhaps find out which one is the Ultimate Drake.

Toothpick Yeehaw Drake

Drake looks like he’s about to warn a group of teens on summer vacation to watch out for the haunted farmhouse down the road.

Allegedly Weed Smoking Drake

Contrary to popular belief, Drake probably doesn’t even smoke weed. That is not the look of someone exhaling weed smoke from his mouth, that’s the Holy Spirit, AKA “God’s Plan.”

Diamond Tooth Drake

Instagram

Look real close at the left-hand side of this photo at Drake’s perfect smile. That little speck in his tooth is in fact a pink diamond implant. His head is basically a vault: it holds valuable gems and is also thicc.

Sad Boi Drake

Screencap

Honestly, he could just be farting.

Started from the Bottom Drake

Screencap

That’s the face of a man whose jacket zipper got stuck in Canadian November.

"Now We Here" Drake

Screencap

This scene from Drake’s “Started from the Bottom" video inspired retail workers everywhere to hate their jobs even more.

"Look Out Behind You" Drake

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

When you see a particularly dad tracksuit on the other side of Foot Locker.

"Where’d I Put My Protein Powder?" Drake

Instagram

This is the look you make when you’ve been lifting the culture for over a decade.

Tired Drake

Instagram

This is the look you make when you've accidentally killed the culture for over a decade.

Courtside Drake, Part One: Joy

Screencap

Look at this nerd. He deserves a wedgie. There are no jokes for this picture of Drake’s Best Face. It’s perfect. It’s angelic. He’s ready for his bust to be sculpted and put into the hallowed halls of Degrassi to sit in earnestness that you, too, can achieve zen with the correctly selected oversized sweater/glasses combo.

Courtside Drake, Part Two: Defeat

TFW you finally realize your great basketball team sucks, even though they were objectively GOOD, and that even your own proximity to LeBron James’ greatness doesn’t really make you great at all.

Sportscaster Drake

Screencap

Drake makes journalism look fun by being fabulously rich unlike an actual journalist. If all news is fake news and Drake is a fake journalist for indulging in fake interviewing, not to be confused with real interviewing, which is certainly fake, does that not make him a…………….. journalist?

Supreme Drake

Instagram

Drake 100 per cent has a streetwear blog.

Starbucks Papi

Instagram

Drake is a 17-year-old Instagram influencer trying to sell you therapeutic patchouli-scented candles. This is how you feel cashing in on those goddamn golden Starbucks Rewards points.

Sangria Drake

That’s him drinking sangria and totally NOT the blood of an up-and-coming lyricist he found on Soundcloud.

Serious Drake

GLYN KIRK/AFP/Getty Images

This is Drake when he smells that young, talented lyricist blood.

"I See Dead People" Drake

The 6ix Sense.

Turtle Neck Disdain Drake

This photo is objectively art.

Aroused Drake

Screencap

When the ghost writer pens a particularly thicc single.

Durag Drake

Instagram

Vaping in the Bathtub Drake

Over My Dead Bath & Body Works.

Way Too Lit Drake

Screencap

When you lose track of the wasp you just saw.

Trapped in Hell Drake

Screencap

This man is begging to be saved.

Fractured Drake

Screencap

When you find out Kanye collected all the Infinity Stones.

"Who Dis" Drake

When your secret kid’s IG shows he’s chilling with Pusha-T.

Is This Even Drake?

Drake has a face the world recognizes so we’re not exactly sure who this individual is or why Kevin Hart has "white power."

Would You Like a Tour? Drake

This Drake is a god.

Job Interview Drake

Cheesed Drake

Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images

Momentous Occasions Drake

“I WATCHED A CHAAAAAAAAAANGE IN YOU. LIKE YOU NEVEEEEEEEEEEEER HAD WINGS. AHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHH”

Actual Scorpion Drake

Wikimedia Commons

A few Drake facts: he is a predatory animal of the class Arachnida, making him cousins to spiders, mites and ticks. He has eight legs, a pair of pincers (pedipalps) and a narrow segmented tail that often curves over his back, on the end of which is a venomous stinger. Drake will shed his exoskeleton up to seven times as he grows.

Year Book Drake Who Isn’t Actually Drake but Looks Like Drake

Devin Pacholik has been inside Drake. Follow him on Twitter.
Sarah MacDonald is happy for her Scorpio prince. Follow her on Twitter.
Jabbari Weekes frankly has no idea why this happened in the first place. Follow him on Twitter.

This article originally appeared on Noisey CA.

Tagged:
Music
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