I don't have an excuse for missing the fidget spinner craze, but I missed it. I saw the headlines, the muted news segments at the gym, jokes my Twitter crushes make about it, but I didn't have the emotional energy to carve space in my brain to figure out another suddenly wildly popular thing. Yet when my editor asked if I'd try using one—"if there were some way to use [one]"—as a sex toy, I agreed immediately, as my grandparents are dead and my parents have reached a melancholic peace with what I do.
Before introducing a fidget spinner to my vagina, though, I had to figure out what it was. Told I could find them just about anywhere items are sold, I wandered the streets of Greenpoint and popped into dollar stores, bodegas, supermarkets, and even a Staples, asking, "Do you have fidget spinners?" then acting them out with my fingers. Since I still didn't really know what they were, I mimed tossing and spinning pizza dough in the air. Finally, I found a bodega with three neon green ones left. The cashier smiled when I handed it to him, like he knew it was headed for genitalia. I grabbed three packs of Twizzlers and put them on the counter as a diversion. "Twizzlers are a low-fat snack," I said.
Back home, I hit YouTube, searching "how to use a fidget spinner." I found a straight-forward, five-minute demo from Rhine Reviews. After 30 seconds I fell in love with the man giving the tutorial, even though only his hands were visible; the agility of his fingers, the calm of his voice, the passion he felt for something so pure as educating others on making the most of their new toy. Would I ever care about something so enthusiastically and earnestly? "Touch the top like this, and then try to spin it. You don't have much leverage or power, so what you do is—" SWOON.
Once I got the hang of spinning the plastic, three-pronged object on my fingers, the real work began: determining the role it might play in my orgasm. Once you spin it, it spins for a pretty long time—maybe long enough to do something exciting? The arousal part was taken care of, thanks to the tutorial video (everybody go support his Patreon), but I knew I'd need lube. I opened a container of Buzz Invisible Vibrator gel, an intimate arousal gel I received recently that purports to "seduce your senses" and "awaken your intimate desires." Ideal. I deep-cleaned the toy, lit some candles, applied the "liquid vibrator," and put on Remy Ma's "Conceited (There's Something About Remy)."
Watch: Caitlin Moran on Sex, Drugs, and Hypnotherapy
I spun the spinner and eased it toward my vagina. Unfortunately, even delicately touching the fidget spinner, whether with your fingers or your labia, stops the spinning, so the moment the arms of the spinner touched me, the theoretically pleasurable quality of it disappeared, and I was just holding a piece of plastic by my vagina, wondering why I'd bothered taking AP classes in high school. I tried bringing the spinning device toward me even more gently, with some success: It kept spinning for two seconds before slowing down, and those two seconds felt nice. (Of course, bringing the center of the spinner toward me did nothing, as that part is motionless, plus it required me to spread my thighs the three-inch diameter of it so as not to obstruct the spinning arms, which can feel like too much effort.) If the device were mechanical—and kept spinning and buzzing without any extra finger labor—it would feel spectacular. Alas. When I got to the lyric "OK I got a little fat / But my shorty tell me that he like it like that" I gave up and transitioned to an actual vibrator.
If you've read this far, you probably want to know if a dick fits in it. Or maybe you scrolled down this far without thinking about if a dick fits in it. The straightforward answer is no, though I imagine a micropenis or a standard-small penis could be wedged into one of the circular crevices, if you and your partner wanted that, for whatever reason. (MAYBE you could put three very small penises into the three crevices at the same time, if the owners of the penises were very flexible.) But, if by some miracle, you could shove dicks into it, the spinning would stop, obviously, because the arms can't be obstructed in any way.
Later it occurred to me that perhaps I hadn't purchased the right model. I was perusing Instagram stories when I came across a post from noted beautyfluencer Claire Carusillo in which her boyfriend managed to spin one on her cheek. So, theoretically, a fun party trick could be spinning one on top of a particularly stable erect penis, but why? I found a sturdier fidget spinner in Chinatown, but my results were the same—the spinner stopped spinning after two seconds when contact was made with my vagina. A lot of my friends graduated from medical school this month.
Last week on Reddit, there was much hilarity over a man who posted a photo captioned "found my wife's fidget spinner." He was holding Trojan's three-pronged vibrator, which sort of looks like one. Ladies, stick to those, maybe. Though I can't stop the hundreds of people who've probably already put fidget spinners in their butts. Maybe it's nice? Tune in next ti—nope, not trying that.