Food by VICE

The 'Crotch Pot' Allows You to Cook Food Using the Heat from Your Own Junk

May all your dreams of cooking fettuccine in your underwear come true at long last.

by Jelisa Castrodale
Aug 21 2017, 4:39pm

Alle afbeeldingen via Gossamer Gear

Have you ever stopped during a strenuous workout, placed your hand across the front of your pants, and thought, Wow, I really need to harness the heat from my own undercarriage? Me neither, although it seems like Glen Van Peski did. Van Peski, the founder of Gossamer Gear hiking equipment, has invented something called The Crotch Pot that allows its wearer to use the steam from their own junk to cook a seemingly edible meal.

The $19 pouch is made from cuben fiber, a high performance, ultra-lightweight fabric that presumably won't chafe any delicate areas while you're preparing fettuccine al testicolo. (The Crotch Pot is designed to hold a one-quart Ziploc bag "so your dinner contents are completely sanitary." On the bright side, if you find a hair in your food, at least you'll know it's one of your own.)

The Crotch Pot (no, it's not exactly a pot as you usually envision one). Image courtesy of Gossamer

The target market for the Crotch Pot is apparently the backpacker or hiker who is so committed to carrying nothing that he or she is willing to let their own meals marinate in their pants. "Infrared images of the human body confirm what is basically common knowledge: one of the hottest parts of the human body is the crotch area," Gossamer Gear explains on its website. "Your body naturally generates significant heat while hiking; why not harness this heat for a warm dinner?" Yeah guys, why not?

A very appetizing image from the Gossamer website for the Crotch Pot

To use the Crotch Pot, you fill it with your desired ingredients, add water, and then wedge the pouch right into your nether areas, "directly against your skin." After hiking for a couple of hours, your dinner will either be ready to eat or you will have spent enough time ruminating about what you're doing that you'll throw the entire lukewarm mess into the nearest bear-proof trash receptacle and eat a Snickers bar instead.

READ MORE: How to Make Cocktails with Stuff You Brought on Your Camping Trip

"You can knead the meal (discretely) while walking to make sure things are mixing well," Gossamer suggests. (I'm no outdoorsman, but if I see someone walking through the woods, kneading his own genitals, my first thought won't be "I bet he's cooking oatmeal in there.")

Instructions for use of the Crotch Pot. Image courtesy of Gossamer

When reached for comment by MUNCHIES, Gossamer seems to be taking any suspicion and skepticism surrounding this product in stride. "We had many people think it was an April Fools joke, but once they try it out they love it," a Gossamer Gear spokesperson told MUNCHIES. "Some female hikers have also taken to using it in their sports bra."

READ MORE: Being a Chef Made Me Forget I Have a Micropenis

Gossamer promises that a Crotch Pot recipe club is coming soon—so far, there are only two recipes online—and has encouraged people to post photographs of their Crotch Pots on Instagram, and the world surely waits with bated breath for these detailed photos of basmati rice slowly simmering in someone's boxer briefs. Happy hiking!

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