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69 Wild-Ass Predictions for What Beyoncé Will Do At Coachella

We have some totally plausible ideas for what Queen Bey will do when she takes the stage at the Empire Polo grounds Saturday night.

by Noisey Staff
Apr 13 2018, 7:14pm

Coachella is upon us, and this year festival-goers are finally getting what they've been waiting for: Bey fuckin' yonce. Considering she had to cancel last Coachella, has she's since given birth to twins, and has set a pretty high bar for live performances, we have some totally and completely reasonable predictions for what's going to happen when she performs Saturday night at Coachella. Hold onto your flower crowns, because if even one of these things happens, yaaaas kweens, it's going to be one craaaazy weekend.

BTW if even one of these predictions does come true, you owe the Noisey staff $100. We accept Venmo.

  1. Have you seen the part of Game of Thrones when Ned Stark’s head gets chopped off? Basically that.
  2. Launch a rocket into space, because Elon Musk is not cool!
  3. Perform heart transplant surgery while doing the "Single Ladies" dance
  4. Convince everyone to Venmo her a dollar
  5. Perform from the moon
  6. Surprise Destiny’s Child set
  7. Surprise Steve Harvey tribute set even though he's still alive
  8. Do a new rendition of Carmen: the Hip-Hopera with Tiffany Haddish
  9. Five words: Austin Powers in Goldmember reunion
  10. Surprise Hurricane Harvey tribute set that features Houston greats including Trae The Truth, Megan The Stallion, Slim Thug, and Bun B
  11. Save bees from extinction
  12. Dance in front of a 3D screening of Annihilation
  13. Reveal herself to be the distant love child of Judas (from the Bible [yes, that the Bible])
  14. Finally chastise her fanbase for never supporting her mother’s apparel line, House of Deréon (RIP)
  15. Fall off the stage (again) and look good doing it
  16. Durational noise set (We can dream)
  17. Hologram Tupac?
  18. Hologram Lil Xan??
  19. Hologram Michael Jackson???
  20. Hologram Jesus?????
  21. Summon Prince from the beyond (not a hologram)
  22. Stage a director's cut screening of Lemonade
  23. Be a huge rebel and light a blunt even though the festival has banned weed like a bunch of DORKS!
  24. Fly
  25. Break the sound barrier
  26. Teleport
  27. Levitate
  28. Raise the dead, but only the good ones. (Eat shit, Nancy Reagan!)
  29. Start a cult.
  30. Do a Jonestown-type of thing, because if there's anyone who could do it...
  31. Let the twins sing, which they can do very well, even though they are babies.
  32. Let Blue spit a verse
  33. Bring back the Noid from the Domino’s Pizza commercials
  34. Beat Super Mario Brothers 2 for NES without using the unlimited one-up code
  35. Do a dramatic reading of Hermione’s monologue from Winter’s Tale
  36. Bring out Louie Anderson as his character from Baskets
  37. Baptize the entire crowd
  38. Speak in tongues
  39. Turn water into wine
  40. Descend into hell
  41. Ascend into heaven
  42. On the third day, rise again
  43. Free Bobby Shmurda
  44. Debut Serena Williams’s new rap album
  45. Bring out the Obama family, dogs included
  46. Bring out Oprah, Solange, and all her superfriends
  47. Announce a new album and record it on the spot
  48. Announce another pregnancy. It's triplets this time
  49. Announce a run for president
  50. End Scientology
  51. Record an Earth, Wind, and Fire cover that's actually good
  52. End all existing beefs in the rap world
  53. Bring JAY Z out
  54. Tell JAY Z she's bringing him out, but then not bring JAY Z out
  55. Tell JAY Z to stop changing the styling of his name because most music bloggers just can't keep track of the whole hyphen/no hyphen thing
  56. Make the Beyhive stop hating JAY Z
  57. Sing a duet with Cardi B that ends in the release of a Beyoncé/Cardi single
  58. Fart, but like, real melodically, making farts cool and glamorous from now on
  59. Tell everyone to punch the person to their left in the face
  60. Let Solange fight people
  61. Bring out Big Freedia, Solange, and all her superfriends
  62. Reveal who bit her
  63. Unzip her Beyoncé suit and reveal that she’s actually three smaller Beyoncés stacked on top of each other
  64. Play "Freebird"
  65. Play "Stairway to Heaven" backwards
  66. Order Popeye's for the whole crowd
  67. Deliver a TED Talk
  68. End music
  69. Release the pee tape.

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