Finding the right Christmas gift for the folks in your family is hard. You want to give them something they'll actually use, but that something has to be personal—it has to say, "I've known you for literally my entire life, and this gift conveys just how intimate and longstanding our familial bond is." Then there's the problem of fairness: If you get your sister a $100 gift card to her favorite spa and then turn around and buy your brother, like, a book, you're going to look like an asshole, and everyone involved is going to feel really weird.
Kris Jenner has somehow managed to deal with both of these problems in one fell swoop, evading favoritism without sacrificing that all-important personal touch. How, you ask? By just giving everyone in her family Botox.
According to People, she partnered with Botox to give all 10,000 Kardashians she is obligated to buy something for a gift card for the neurotoxin, from her 22-year-old daughter Kylie to her 85-year-old mother, Mary Jo Campbell.
“It’s a one-stop shop for me,” Jenner told People. "And who doesn’t love Botox? For me it’s been really great. If you’re responsible, and you talk to your doctor, I think it works. It’s something that I’ve been using for a long time."
The cynics among you might think buying your loved ones cosmetic injections is kind of messed up, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps, in your eyes, the gift carries an implicit message along the lines of: "You are imperfect, and you could really stand to have some work done. So, uh, Merry Christmas to your face!" Perhaps it seems vain, and shallow, and generally rude—a backhanded gift that provides no room for the recipient to decide if they actually want to inject themselves with a neurotoxic protein that may or may not leave them looking like a wax figure. To that I say: What a bunch of hooey!
Sure, giving your own children (many of whom are quite young) Botox for Christmas might be bold—but at least it's honest. For most families, Christmas is just a series of quiet deceptions: You pretend to love the impossibly ugly sweater your grandma gave you, and then bury it at the bottom of your closet for the rest of your life, tucked so deep down you will never see it again, because the guilt will kill you. Or you spend weeks racking your brain for the perfect gift for your stepmom, only to cave and ask your dad what she actually wants (a Nutribullet), buy it for her, and pawn the whole thing off as your idea. ("I noticed you buy smoothies every time we go to the mall, and I just thought: Now you can make them at home!" you insist, while your face reddens, and shame courses through your body.)
There will be none of that dishonesty at the Kardashian household this year. Kris Jenner has made up her mind, and she will not back down. Her point is clear: You all need Botox, so I am giving it to you. If you don't like it, too bad.
Furthermore, she's taken care of the whole shame complex that occasionally comes with getting the injections. Everyone in America has now learned, from the pages of People magazine, that she is giving her family Botox for Christmas—so when they get work done, they won't be forced to explain why they decided to do it, or how they justified the cost. All they have to say is that their mom got it for them, and that they'd feel bad if they didn't use it. Genius!
So congratulations, Kris Jenner, for solving the age-old, seemingly unsolvable problem of how to shop for your family during the holidays. If only the rest of us could lock down a partnership with a giant, ethically fraught pharmaceutical company this year. That would truly be a Christmas miracle.
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