Music by VICE

10 New Year's Resolutions that Dance Music Needs Right Now

Vape more, dance less!

by THUMP Staff
Jan 2 2016, 3:00am

Welcome to 2016. It's gonna be the best year ever! Hold up, though––Let's talk resolutions. Making huge, sweeping changes with the intention of being a better person in the coming year hasn't worked out for you so far, so who are we kidding with this hippie-dippie self-love wankery? It's time to make resolutions that will make you a worse person. We've compiled all the resolutions that dance music shouldn't be making this year, and maybe, just maybe, you'll give up on them for good around February.

10. Reclaim the selfie stick

Because it's our god given right to be totally fucking annoying and narcissistic and distracting and selfish and just generally douchey, and then share it with our equally annoying and narcissistic and distracting and selfish and douchey friends.

9. Do more ketamine

Seriously, even DJs are doing it! Nothing says 'woo! partytime!' like staring at your feet for thirty minutes, trying to figure out if you're standing up or sitting down.

8. Reconsider tropical house

Just listen to the guy who invented it and who still totally loves it. It's not going anywhere. We've been saying it since the 80s: You can never get enough saxophone solos.

7. Stop looking at each other and start staring at the DJ

Why would you want to talk to people or dance with people or even make any human connections at all when there's a balding nerd pressing buttons on stage? There's nothing interesting going on in the crowd anywhere. Definitely don't bother reading this.

6. Mashup everything, again

See above. At a Bat Mitzvah somewhere, Girl Talk is weeping into a pile of money.

5. Start more festivals.

It's working for these guys. All you need is a parking lot, a set of bluetooth speakers, and a Diplo impersonator. Can't be that hard, can it?

4. Dump savings into SFX stock.

Follow the headlines to collect your prize. We're all gonna be rich in 2016!

3. Take photos of everything

No one will ever DJ a party again. You won't hear that one jamming banger ever again. Club's won't exist tomorrow. Capture the moment before it's too late.

2. When in doubt, call it deep house.

Just look at this guy. According to some really important people, he's the future of deep house.

1. If it moves, grind up on it.

Because you totally read this and want to get your dong farted on while grooving on some strange bae. Consider personal space a challenge to your weiner, big guy.

BONUS: Vape more in the club. You want to be on this list.

Photo credits 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10