Padres Rule, Big Papi Crushes, and Snorting Coke-Cain: Dave Brown's Unscientific MLB Power Rankings

Math tells us that we are about 20 percent of the way into the Major League Baseball season. But can math tell us who is winning baseball? (Or, as our English teachers would tell us to say, who is leading baseball?) Well, yes. Still, it's just too easy to look at the National League standings, observe the Chicago Cubs sporting a 25-8 record with a +99 run differential and conclude that the Joe Maddon's boys are the leaders of the pack. Well, no kidding Mathstradamus. But, like Ike and Tina Turner performing Proud Mary, we never, ever, ever do things nice and easy.

Therefore, VICE Sports presents its Unscientific MLB Power Rankings for this week:

1. The San Diego Padres

Behold, the dragonslayer! This is what happens (right?) when you beat the best — you become the best! Improving to 15-20 (now 16-20 after beating the lowly Brewers on Thursday), the Friars beat the Cubs twice in the same day Wednesday, after the Cubs had not lost consecutive games since Sept. 23, 25-26. Elias reports that the Cubs had not gone this deep into a season without losing two straight since 1907, when they lost games 34 and 35 before winning the World Series—as if we needed another historical cue that the Cubs were going to kill their curse and win the big one. The key moment of the Padres' doubleheader sweep at Wrigley Field was a home run by Christian Bethancourt against John Lackey, who then scolded the Bethancourt for staring at the impressive ball-stroking.

"I'm the pimp here, not you," Lackey possibly could be seen saying. And he's right:

2. Lackey's Camo Suit

John Lackey camo: pic.twitter.com/H9fJnIyTuJ
— Tony Andracki (@TonyAndracki23) May 1, 2016

The best part about Maddon the manager is that he makes the players want to wear ridiculous clothing. It's possible, even likely that Maddon took the Cubs job after the 2014 season because he knew that John Lackey would be on the free-agent market for 2016, that the Cubs could sign him, and that he — being from Texas — would wear a camouflage cowboy suit on demand.

3-t. Bryce Harper and Mike Trout

Which one is the best young player in baseball? Well, right now Manny Machado has a better OPS than both, and he plays shortstop. Harper lost some sheen Monday for returning to the field after being ejected by umpire Brian Knight in order to celebrate a walk-off victory and to scream profanities at Knight. Harper is appealing his one-game suspension and fine.

So, argue amongst yourselves and make up your own ridiculous trade proposals, and then send them to Nats GM Mike Rizzo and Angels GM Billy Eppler and see if you get a response. And then write to VICE Sports because that would make a cool post if they actually responded. (Yes, you can also write to Dan Duquette about Machado, though no one ever seems to want to make hypothetical trades for him.)

5. Big Papi's Social Security Check

David Ortiz is retiring because… why, again? Coming into Boston's four-game series against Houston, the 40-year-old was slashing .322/.409/.678 with nine homers. Ortiz already has accumulated 1.6 WAR (via Baseball Reference), which is about half of the value he accrued in all of 2015. It makes you wonder (a) if he really is going to hang 'em up and (b) where his final year might rank in MLB history among final seasons? Well, luckily, baseball attracts bloggers, and at least one of those bloggers (Ben Cosman of MLB Cut 4) looked up the best WAR in a player's final season since 1960. Papi Ortiz is on pace to lead the bunch.

There's every reason to think that Ortiz will slow his roll and not be OPS'ing 1.000 come October. Still, it's kind of creepy how much Ortiz's final season has been, so far, like that of Williams' in 1960. Ortiz even has a stolen base, like Williams did at age 41. But here's one thing Teddy Ballgame never did: Rap along in Spanish to a hip hop song:

Word to su madre.

6. Bartolo Colon's home-run trot in Spanish

Colon hit his first career home run Saturday at age 42, and his trot around the bases was as awesome as anyone could have imagined. The best joke was made by Ted Berg of For the Win, who said:

Whoever called the Kentucky Derby the greatest two minutes in sports hasn't seen Bartolo Colon's home run trot.
— Ted Berg (@OGTedBerg) May 8, 2016

Yahoo's Tim Brown called Colon "everyone's favorite PED abuser," and it does seem to be true that, thankfully, the world at large has let Colon alone and not dwelled on him having failed a drug test once. Some guys never get forgiven. The world also forgives Colon for being overweight, even celebrates it, whereas Pablo Sandoval by comparison is reminded without mercy that he's fat. What's up with the apparent double standard?

One theory:

The real answer why Bartolo gets a pass: people like him. The reason some players don't: people didn't like them. That's it. That's 100%.
— Craig Calcaterra (@craigcalcaterra) May 11, 2016

7. Thor's Twin Dingers

By the God of Thunder, two home runs in the same game by a pitcher? Mets right-hander Noah Syndergaard twice blasted Kenta Maeda of the Dodgers on Wednesday night. The bad news, and this was sneaky of the Mets to hide this, is that Syndergaard had his elbow checked by doctors after his May 1 start. Syndergaard is all about the velocity, and is typically unhappy unless he's near triple digits on the radar gun. Unfortunately, UCL tears can happen when guys throw 100 mph. Syndergaard says he's OK. So why hide the doctor's visit? Because the dumb media would just make a big deal out of it! You're darned tootin'. Tommy John surgery makes for big news. Hopefully, as Syndergaard claimed, the precaution he took will lead to no such injury.

8. Max Scherzer exacts his revenge

Scherzer posted the fifth 20-strikeout game in major league history Wednesday night, mowing down the Detroit Tigers in a 3-2 victory. The most amazing detail of Scherzer's performance: He threw 96 of 119 pitches for strikes. Scherzer registered 31 swinging strikes against the Tigers, the team he played with from 2010-2014 before hitting free agency. Scherzer talked about the added emotional difficulty of pitching against the Tigers for the first time, mostly because of their tough lineup and the friendly but competitive relationships he has with the players who are ex-teammates. There's also something else that might have been sticking in his craw. In the midst of spring training 2014, his final season in Detroit, the team made the odd decision of issuing a statement on the state of contract extension negotiations with Scherzer:

The Detroit Tigers have made a substantial, long-term contract extension offer to Max Scherzer that would have placed him among the highest paid pitchers in baseball, and the offer was rejected. As we have reiterated, it has been the organization's intent to extend Max's contract and keep him in a Tigers uniform well beyond the 2014 season. While this offer would have accomplished that, the ballclub's focus remains on the start of the upcoming season, and competing for a World Championship. Moving forward there will be no further in-season negotiation and the organization will refrain from commenting on this matter.

Well! Kind of jerky, there, Tigers. Was this then team president Dave Dombrowski talking, or owner Mike Ilitch? Regardless, Scherzer reportedly was taken aback by the front office saying this out loud and on the record. As we know now, Scherzer's agent, the universally beloved and appreciated Scott Boras, would end up negotiating a bigger deal with the Nats than the Tigers had offered in March. No one appeared to ask Scherzer on Wednesday if the Tigers statement provided any motivation, but what do you think?

9. Jake Arrieta

Have you seen this guy?

10. The Pittsburgh Parrot's favorite pitcher-hitter matchup of 2016:

The game between the lines is best when the lines are snorted. And what happened when Coke and Cain clashed? Cain walked. He's 2 for 5 with a double for his career against Coke.