The Assassination of Yasiel Puig by the Coward American Baseball

Well, they've finally done it. Every single person who has ever written a piece of shit column, or uttered piece of shit words, or called in to a piece of shit radio station with a piece of shit take; this is on you. Yasiel Puig recently admitted to making a conscious effort not to flip his bat after big hits and home runs. Instead of involuntarily doing whatever came naturally to him while having fun playing baseball, Puig is now teaching himself to do something else. He's changing himself, for the worse. And why is he doing this? Because of American Baseball.

Let that last sentence roll around your dome for a bit. After years of this being a topic, Yasiel Puig has been shamed and hassled into not flipping his baseball bat after getting a hit. Now let that sentence roll around your dome for a bit. I honestly want the names of every single person in the United States of America who thinks Yasiel Puig flipping his bat after a single against the Arizona fucking Diamondbacks is a travesty. I will then ask them to meet me in Temecula where I can ask them one, simple question: "Really?" And maybe one sub-question. "Like, honestly, does this act mean one goddamned thing to you?"

And every single person asked will then feel ashamed and foolish because deep down they know it is an insane thing to be upset about and, nevertheless, a grown man has decided to appease their stupid, disproportionate reaction to a nanosecond in time. It's amazing, really. The time spent, and breath wasted on this subject finally wore Puig down and he just gave up and decided it wasn't worth the aggravation. "American Baseball" just killed a part of Yasiel Puig. Not long after re-establishing international relations with Cuba, the worst fears of many are being realized in micro. America's buttoned up puritanism and unstoppable sprawl of bullshit has destroyed the easy flamboyance of a once unknown marvel.

You know who doesn't like a Yasiel Puig bat flip? The Orioles fan who turned his back on A-Rod. There is not a doubt in anyone's mind that this is the man who best represents that sentiment. A middle-aged white guy acting like a fucking child. And how about that? After years of columns and PTI segments and scorching-hot First Takes about how Yasiel Puig is immature and needs to grow up, it turns out Puig is the mature one and everyone else needs to do the growing up.