We try to be healthy. Really, we do.
And yet we just can't get behind the idea of "clean" eating. Our tastebuds crave the unclean flavors that only sugar, salt, and fat can provide.
That's why we turned to Amanda Cohen of Manhattan's vegetable restaurant Dirt Candy (don't call it "vegetarian") for advice on transforming the most model-friendly of cruciferous vegetables—the humble flower known as broccoli—into a deep-fried snack.
WATCH: How To Make Fried Vegetables with Amanda Cohen
She recommends fortifying your batter with vodka—but remember to use that cheap bottle you reserve for unwanted houseguests, de-icing your walk, and emergency field dressings. You're not looking to get drunk off these florets. The booze is simply there to keep your batter shatter-crisp.
Then you toss those crunchy morsels in a sticky sauce of sesame oil, Korean gochujang, soy sauce, garlic, ginger.
The result? Think somewhere between a vegified version of General Tso's chicken and Korean ddeokbokki, those rice cakes smothered in sweet chili sauce. If you want to kick them up into an even higher plane of existence, do like Cohen suggests and smoke your florets beforehand.
And you can recline on your couch full of fried broccoli, knowing that you ate a relatively healthy meal. As Cohen notes, deep-fat frying is almost as good for you as sautéing with a bit of oil.
Then you can follow it with a deep-fried chocolate bar and say "fuck it" to the very idea of health. Buen provecho, dear reader.