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Ten Cute Ways to Distract People From the Fact That Your Life Is Falling Apart

Hide your credit card debt in soups and succulents.

by Monica Heisey
Feb 4 2016, 10:20pm

Image via Pixabay

Life is hard, and it's very easy to mess it up. But women contain multitudes: You can be fun 'n' flirty and about to default on your student loans, enviably adorable and living with your parents while you reevaluate your relationship to party coolers, cute and classy and dating three different bad men at once. Want to escape your problems in public and private? Here's how:

Get really into fashion for a bit

Your friends will have to stop wondering whether your parents pay your rent when they find out you've got a shoplifting problem and can't stop stealing ankle-length flares. Spend the hours you'd normally use to pull out your leg hairs one by one on taking personal style photos in cool-looking alleys. All of a sudden your poverty-necessitated meager meal plans seem like a careful pre-Fashion Week cleanse.

Photo by Danil Nevsky via Stocksy

Have a LOT of opinions on Facebook

Sure, you could call your old job and ask why they fired you, crying and begging Anne-Marie to reconsider, because you really love publishing and think you have a future in the industry. Or you could hop on FB and drop a 3,000-word status about some misogyny you saw on the subway this morning. If you're really feeling low, debate an elderly relative about spaghetti strap tank tops in the comments.

Become the kind of girl who's really into soups

Could someone who made four different root vegetable goulashes this week be dealing with seasonal depression? You tell me—after you've tried this winter gazpacho.

Experiment with fitness

Add your aunt and all her divorced friends on Fitbit, then plan your days around really sticking it to them with your steps count. It's a fun, fast way to ignore your credit card debt and get in shape for good!

Read more: How to Tell Someone to Fuck Off Using Fun and Flirty Instagrams

Buy a book about learning a language

"Wow, is Helen casually considering learning Polish? She's so international."—your impressed friends who have yet to notice how you've started wearing your clothes inside out for an extra clean day.

Get another plant again

This one might be The One.

Have a loud conversation at a bar

This can be about literally anything, as long as your opinions are unnecessarily strong and delivered at a decibel level that is ruining the night of the other patrons. Rant for the duration of three margaritas, then end strong, with a long explanation of the ways your relationship with your mother is really turning around these days—or at least talk about something your therapist has you "trying."

Become a Super Good Friend

You know that one friend who is like, clearly avoiding her own life by being super attentive and sweet in yours? Be that friend. Drive your pals to work, bake them cupcakes when they're sick, support them through their crises. Being a good friend is also a great way to get close to the personal failures of others.

Approach dating like it's an Olympic sport

Tinder. Bumble. Grindr. The M. You've got a perfect profile, an arsenal of emoji-ridden opening lines, and mediocre dates lined up every night of the week. If your ex-boyfriend hadn't blocked you on all social media platforms, he'd be so jealous! For best results, date one of these internet strangers for the duration of the winter, then drive them away over the course of the spring. The best way to move on from one heartbreak is to immediately cultivate another one.

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Just kidding, this is a cry for help.