What if Jeb Bush Were President?

The article no one asked for but everyone needs.

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May 12 2017, 10:00pm

Image via Thomas Koehler/Getty Images

People have been dealing with the Trump era in various ways, and one of those ways is fantasizing about what a Hillary Clinton presidency would've looked like. Which, whatever. Go for it. Be free. After all, sometimes it's fun to ask hypotheticals, like what would happen if Seinfeld happened in present day? But why limit your imagination to such paltry alternate realities? If you want to truly create an ideal world, you must first envision it. So:

What if Jeb Bush were president?

It's not so crazy! All Jeb would have needed to do was overcome the other 16 Republican primary contenders, Hillary Clinton, and his own softness. While science isn't advanced enough to confirm this series of events, here's how Jeb Bush's presidency almost certainly would have gone down:

Day 1: Receives applause during inaugural address. Is visibly relieved.

Day 6: Outlaws getting abortions for fun. "No more fun abortions," he says in press conference.

Day 7: Appoints George W. Bush, Pierce Bush, Barbara Bush (the younger), and Neil Bush to senior cabinet positions.

Day 26: Nothing happens.

Day 99: Politely asks Trump to stop tweeting mean things about him.

Day 100: Gets LASIK.

Day 101: Does not appear at any of his scheduled events.

Day 102: The press begin probing the LASIK surgery. "The president is fine," insists White House Press Secretary Jenna Bush.

Day 103: "The president is merely resting," reports Jenna Bush.

Day 104: It is announced that in a tragic turn of events, President Jeb Bush has died of LASIK-related injuries.

Day 105: Goodbye, sweet Jeb! A nation mourns and remembers a guy who wasn't all that bad, really, when you think about it. Vice President Donald Trump assumes office.

Follow Eve Peyser on Twitter.

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