Food by VICE

This Week in Food Porn: Carrot Carving and Cinnamon Crackers

Feast your eyes on the best of edible Instagram this week.

by Nell Frizzell
Mar 11 2017, 10:00pm

"Come with me, and we'll be, in a world of giddy mastication, take a look, and you'll see, into your ideal digestion."

For we have scoured the Internet high and low, down fruit holes and across meadows of wheat to find the greatest food photography uploaded to the Instagram in the past seven days. Eat it all and, hey, you can win a t-shirt and a signed photo of your local cardiac surgeon.

If you have time to cut heart-shaped holes out of a strawberry then you probably also have time to tidy away the giant pair of iron scissors you used to trim a horse's hooves, from out of the picture. I mean come on—we're only asking for a little bit of effort and basic equine hygiene.

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like a drop on the butter of a leaf, as famous Bengali poet Rabindranath Tragore never quite said.

When I gave up smoking, I once found myself sitting down to a lunch of smoked mackerel, soda bread, and lapsang souchong tea. You could waft pretty much anything through a column of wood smoke and I'd put in my mouth.

Well done, little Timmy! You went out and caught us a whole tray of old shuttlecocks and coiled goose shit! Good boy!

Gin-soaked tofu covered in flower clippings and eaten off a small wooden spade? If my mother could see this, she would be turning in her dairy-soaked duvet until the threads turned bare.

Look at them all, tucked up and ready for bed. Goodnight Mama, goodnight Daddy, goodnight Lindsey, goodnight John Boy, goodnight Jim Bob. You're just meat now.

Guys, I have fallen down a #carrotcarving wormhole and, honestly, it's been one of the best 27 lost minutes of my entire life.

I think I'm going to delete Tinder, after all.

If, like me, you thought this was a Welsh cake covered in clotted cream, with a smear of pond scum peeping out from behind then—praise be!—we were quite wrong. This, my friends, is a Peruvian brunch of corn souffle topped with bacon and eggs. Banish all jokes about marmalade sandwiches and piranha from your mind immediately—this is the good shit.

Um, is there a Dr. Freud in the house? I think we've got a pretty serious case of Oedipus Complex on our hands—I think we're going to need a pretty big couch for this one.