Noisey

I Love My Wife So We Went to See Britney Spears and the Vegas Porn Expo

I knew I was going to marry her the day she choreographed a routine to "Toxic."

by Chris Nieratko
Jan 25 2017, 6:17pm

For the past 34-years the entire porn world has been gathering each January in Las Vegas to show their tits and hock their wares at the four-day Adult Video News expo. The annual event allows fans to get up close and personal with anyone who is anyone in the adult industry as well as buy every manner of odd and obscure sex toy on the market from horse-sized riding stimulators to sci-fi themed massive dildos. My ties to the porn world go back nearly 20 years; first when I worked for Larry Flynt's Big Brother Skateboarding Magazine (Look for a Big Brother documentary on Hulu this spring), then for my long running VICE porn review column, Skinema, which spawned a book and a video documentary series by the same name. This past weekend, for the first time in more than a decade, I found myself at the AVN fuck fest as a representative of my new employer, Penthouse Magazine, and for completely selfish reasons I brought my gorgeous wife along with me. Long gone are the days of wishful thinking of coordinating a threesome at these events, no, I've learned over the years that having a girl on your arm automatically eliminates any creep thoughts that porn folks have when they see a single guy approach their booth. I've also come to accept that I'm generally not good when it comes to talking to people. Like Larry David, I'm great at creating tense and awkward situations by using an arsenal of off-putting jokes that only I find funny. Over the years my wife has become quite adept at navigating us through uncomfortable conversations with her pleasant disposition. I've realized it's best that I not leave home without her.

Chris' Britney-loving wife

 

To thank her for nearly 20 years of keeping me out of trouble I set out to make one of her dreams come true: surprising her by seeing Britney Spears in concert. When we first got together my wife was a dance instructor for little girls, teaching them jazz, tap and hip-hop. I have two left feet and don't know the first thing about rhythm or keeping a beat, but I remember marveling at how graceful she was when I first watched her dance. It was at her year-end recital in 2004 that I knew I would marry her. Her and her fellow teachers choreographed and performed a dance to Britney Spears' Grammy award winning second single, "Toxic," from her multiplatinum album, In the Zone, and it was nothing short of pornographic. Over the last 13 years later whenever I'd hear that song my mind would automatically return to thoughts of my wife on that stage gyrating like a stripper and straddling a chair like she was in Flashdance. I don't know how parents didn't complain or shield their children's eyes. Perhaps they did and I was just too fixated on my wife to notice.

The song in and of itself holds a special place for us because at the time I was addicted to pharmaceutical drugs and was trying to get clean. I was trading one vice for another as I was becoming addicted to my wife. As the lyrics to the song go, "With a taste of poison paradise, I'm addicted to you / Don't you know that you're toxic?" On what will be remembered as the saddest and most lackluster Inauguration Day in US history, surrounded by all the fantastic boobs and butts of the adult industry I chose to forego all the porn parties I had been invited to and instead drown my political sorrows in the bosom of Britney Spears at her Piece of Me show. My thinking was if anything could take my mind off the bad man it would be my wife dirty dancing to a live performance of "Toxic" and damn it! It worked. For the duration of the two-hour show I forgot all about the monster in office. Ms. Spears looked/danced/sounded better than ever, according to my wife, a life-long fan. These days my wife is a personal trainer who duly noted Britney's impressive muscle tone, noticeable from across the auditorium by everyone but me. I have bad eyes.

Britney Spears shot by Denise Truscello

   By Las Vegas show standards this was everything a fan would want. Spears performed all her big hits including "Oops!… I Did It Again," "Crazy" and her cover of Joan Jett's "I Love Rock N Roll." The costumes were lavish and sexy including one where she was angel suspended 30-feet above the stage. The stage design flowed seamlessly between sets—at one point transforming from a giant guitar to a 30-foot tree. My wife enjoyed each and every minute of it, but for me it was like an anxiety-ridden child counting down to Christmas. Each song Britney delivered bringing closer to "Toxic." I don't know all of Britney's catalog—that's my wife's department—but if there is one thing I do know is the "Toxic"score. I've played it over and over in my head thousands of times, each time I fantasize about my wife is the soundtrack. I waited to hear the frenzied opening beats with bated breath for nearly two hours, but it never came. "She's not going to play it?" I asked my wife. "She has to play it!"
Toxic

Britney Spears shot by Denise Truscello

A few songs later I started to give up hope until my wife nudged me, "This is it!" "No," I said, "This is too slow. This isn't how it begins." Sure enough, Britney slowed down the first verse and opening beats and when the full tempo beats of the second verse kicked in she jumped out of the tall tree on stage and out over the crowd with the aid of suspension cables. I swooned. I felt conflicted as to who to watch dance Britney or my wife. Ultimately I opted to keep my eyes locked on my wife while filming Britney dance to "Toxic" on my iPhone to be watched later. My wife told me she'd forgotten the routine she choreographed to Toxic 13 years ago. I had every move memorized, but luckily it all came right back to her and I didn't have to show her the steps. Seeing my wife dance like that again after all these years was the greatest gift anyone could give me, especially on such a painful day. Thank you, Ms. Spears.

Sensing the Inauguration Day fear and despair in the room, Britney purposely ended her show with her hit "Keep on Dancing Till the World Ends." The crowd roared, knowing damn well our new commander in chief could very well make the world end very soon. I watched as worried parents hugged their children, as lovers both straight, gay, and trans cried in each other's arms—we're all unsure of what tomorrow will bring. As the curtains fell I heard one spectator scream, "Fuck Donald Trump!" It was as if he was speaking for the entire room. Well, except for me. I was too busy singing the words to "Toxic."

Britney is currently signed to perform at The Axis in Planet Hollywood three times a week through the end of 2017, except for between February 4 and March 24.

Follow Chris Nieratko on Twitter.