People Share the Painfully Awkward Times They Tried to Retrieve Stuff from Exes

"Boys are crazy and I believe it takes breaking up with one of them to realize just how crazy they can be."
May 10, 2017, 1:51pm
Photo by Mosuno via Stocksy

We've all been there: scrambling to get our shit together after a heated night of passion, when clothes have been strewn everywhere, priceless watches flung across the room, and random earrings gone missing. Or, you've been dating that douchebag ex for years, where they've amassed a pile of your stuff over the years, but you later find out that they've already set everything on fire in a fit of rage. We asked people to share their craziest stories about how to claim things back in what's rightfully theirs (or maybe not).

The jewelry smuggler

When I broke up with my ex, he demanded everything that he had ever bought me back. We had been together for six years—so you can imagine there was kinda a lot of stuff. So he insisted on taking every bit of jewellery he had ever given me over the years (I have no idea why, though I'm hoping he doesn't wear it) and he also took this giant life-size teddy bear back. I remember that more than anything, because he walked out of my house and got on a train carrying a massive teddy bear that was probably twice the size of him.

After a while he even started texting me demanding money for all the holidays we had ever been on—he clearly strongly believed that I owed him something and I guess he got that in the form of a ridiculous teddy bear. Boys are crazy and I believe it takes breaking up with one of them to realize just how crazy they can be. - Ciara

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The door knocker

During my student years I was out with a few friends and got chatting to a witty female over the sensual concoction of Jägerbombs and thumping chart music. I ended up back at her place, and found myself skulking away just before daybreak, retrieving my clothes from a dark dorm room floor and dressing silently. Filled with a sickening sense of satisfaction, I jumped in a taxi home, checking the time to see if McDonalds had started serving breakfast. It was at this point I realized I was not wearing my watch; my expensive Breitling watch; my expensive Breitling watch my dad had bought me for my 21st birthday.

Determined to retrieve it, I returned to the halls of residence the following day, loitering creepily outside until a resident opened the door with a keycard. I had no idea of the room number, not even the floor it was on, but I did, thankfully, remember her name: Sara*. So, I started from the sixteenth floor and worked my way down, knocking on every door asking if Sara* lived there. I made it through five floors before mounting embarrassment rendered me unable to continue. Now I sport a crappy plastic Casio timepiece. Moral of the story: Never leave while it's still dark. - Tim*

The first class poster

I was newly single and looking for some fun, so I decided to join a dating app. After years of missing out I signed up to every dating app out there and was hooked. I started chatting to this guy called Dan* and after a successful first date, we decided to arrange a second date at a burger place. We drank well into the night and headed back to his where things got steamy pretty fast.

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When I got back to mine I realized I'd left my favourite Lazy Oaf shirt at his house. I waited a few days for him to contact me, as I have a rule never to contact a guy first. A couple more days went by and still no reply, so I decided to just get straight to the point and ask for my shirt back. He refused to meet up with me again and instead sent my shirt back first class post in a really crappily wrapped black bin liner that arrived the next day at my work. - Cassy

The firestarter

I met my ex during the first week of university—you know, the classic love story of hooking up with everything in sight during Fresher's Week and you end up staying together throughout the whole three or four years of your course. We were pretty much a married couple throughout those years; living in the same halls together then moving into the same student house together and spending every waking minute together.

Photo by Urs Siedentop & Co via Stocksy

But things turned pretty ugly towards the end, she found out that I'd cheated on her on a night out. We had this huge argument where things were thrown and smashed about. I remember I ended up sleeping on the sofa that night because we were all still living together under one roof in a shared house with my other mates. The next morning I went to my lectures and returned home thinking I'd grovel and ask forgiveness from my then girlfriend, but I found her in our garden burning absolutely everything I own; my favourite shirts, my shoes and my most prized possession at the time: My fucking PS3. It's safe to say we haven't been on talking terms ever since. - Steve*

The sabotager

Me and my ex-boyfriend have been together for about seven years and we even lived together for about five of those years, so I guess we were pretty serious. But things in life just don't work out the way you planned and we decided to split amicably. After moving out of our mortgaged house, we both found separate places to live and were having trouble packing everything up and deciding on who would get what on the larger pieces of furniture things like the sofa, dining table, TV, and bed.

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In the end we agreed to split everything down the middle and share everything 50/50. So when it was time to move into my new flat and I was waiting on the furniture delivery from the old place. Only when I was flat packing and building the dining table, I realized the bastard deliberately took one of the legs. I knew we said to split everything down the middle, but not this literally! I had to make an impromptu trip all the way to IKEA to buy another bloody leg. - Becca*

The earring stealer

On a night out at university, I met this hot mysterious guy who I'd never seen before at my student union and we hit it off almost instantly. One thing led to another and he invited me over back to his house where we enjoyed a night of fun. But, I noticed he was being really creepy and odd during sex, he tried to keep touching my ears and eventually took my earring from my left ear lobe. I was wearing a pair of gold diamond studs that I'd bought with my mum a few years back, so they meant something special to me.

I made a mental note to find it in the morning and take back the earrings, but completely forgot about it until a week later. I later found out that this guy apparently goes round collecting earrings from every girl he sleeps with! I still haven't managed to get my fucking earrings back though. - Layla

* Names have been changed