For some strange, inexplicable reason, public poopers have been waging turd terrorism across the country in recent months. First, there was the Mad Pooper of Colorado Springs, a jogger who would routinely pinch a loaf on the same family's lawn while out on a run. Then, there was the Arkansas Shit Bandit, another jogger who liked to do number two near parked cars. Now, it looks like New Jersey police have finally caught their own dastardly defecator—and this one feels like the end of particularly shit-centric Scooby-Doo episode.
According to police, the mystery pooper who'd been shitting on the Holmdel High School track every morning wasn't some angry student failing gym—it was the superintendent of a neighboring school district, NJ.com reports.
Faculty at the school, apparently tired of cleaning coils of human doo off their track "on a daily basis," put together a sting operation and caught the man, 42-year-old Thomas Tramaglini, in the act. Police arrested Tramaglini on the track early Monday morning.
Tramaglini, the Kenilworth school superintendent, is now being charged "with lewdness, littering, and defecating in public," according to a Holmdel Township Police Department Facebook post. The school district has reportedly placed him on paid leave while he faces the charges.
It's unclear why exactly Tramaglini allegedly made it his duty to make duty at the high school, but since this was an ongoing issue, the question is worth exploring. What inspires a seemingly normal person to begin pooping in public? Is it out of anger, borne from some deep-seated rage only weaponized shit can fix? Is it some animalistic urge, an instinct to rebel against our civilized turd-in-bowl world and drop a deuce in nature? Or is it just, like, really funny to poop outside once in a while?
According to NJ.com, Tramaglini was running on the track before his arrest, so maybe that has something to do with it. If this is actually the third case of joggers hanging roots during their exercises, then our society is apparently in desperate need of more public restrooms for the runners out there. In the meantime, though, can't you start carrying a bag? Come on, everybody—if you need to squeeze one out in public, at least do us all the courtesy of scooping it yourself.
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