Food by VICE

Police Called to Break Up Vicious Dispute Over Stolen Meatballs

You don’t mess with a person’s spherical meat.

by Ian Burke
Jul 19 2018, 6:23pm

Photo via Flickr user anjuli_ayer

Honestly, if I walked into my kitchen and saw one of my roommates cooking my meatballs, I’d be pretty pissed. Although, I’m not sure I’d assault them, like a woman in Youngstown, Ohio did on Tuesday. (But I might—stay away from my meatballs, Jake!)

Youngstown Police are currently investigating an assault that occurred when the unnamed female victim came home to find another women (who lived in the same house) cooking what she alleges to be her meatballs. According to the police report, the woman “became extremely upset because she knows she is the only one in the house that had meatballs in the refrigerator.” The alleged owner of the meatballs confronted the refrigerator bandit, and according to the report, accused her of “alleged meat thievery, insisting that they must be her meatballs.” In a totally calm, measured response, the would-be meat thief proceeded to charge the woman, strike her in the face, and pull her hair.

When police arrived on the premises, the suspect had already fled the scene. Unfortunately, the report makes no mention of whether or not the thief made off with the rest of the meatballs. Police say they didn't notice any visible injuries on the victim, although many police aren’t fully equipped—or haven’t had the necessary training—to deal with meatball-induced trauma.

Upon questioning, the victim told police that while she didn’t know the thief’s last name, she suggested to officers that it might be “bitch.” (BURNNN.)

This whole thing leaves us with a few questions. Will the victim press charges? How do you not know the last name of someone who lives with you? Were any meatballs harmed during the altercation? We’ll keep an eye out for any future, spherical-meat-related updates.