Russians Think Fidget Spinners Are the New Opiate of the Masses
Spinners are likely a "form of hypnosis" being used to "zombify" people, according to a Russian news report.
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Fidget spinners are cheap plastic baubles for kids amazed at the wonders of ball bearings. The toys have dazzled teens and starred in Inception memes for the better part of a few months, which means we're probably nearing the end of their fad half-life when a new trend takes off or Crazy Bones make a comeback, or whatever.
But according to a new Russian TV report, the dumb spinning toys have a secret purpose—one far more nefarious than their insane markup: to turn people into brainwashed zombies.
A shocking new report on Russia's state-owned Rossiya 24 lofted the idea last week, saying that fidget spinners were being used by the Putin opposition to lure hapless youths with the promise of twirling tops, the New York Times reports.
"It is a mystery why it has become so popular in Russia right now," the Rossiya reporter said, unaware of the meditative glee that a fidget spinner can bring. "Who is promoting this to the masses so actively?" Apparently, the dastardly spinners are a "form of hypnosis" being promoted at opposition rallies as a way to "zombify" people.
Ruslan Ostashko, editor-in-chief of Kremlin-supporting news org PolitRussia, also hopped onboard the fidget spinner conspiracy train. "In such a manner, our opposition is luring the youth," Ostashko said in another Rossiya report. "Those who understand political technologies, they understand very clearly that this simple thing is controlling the masses."
Now, in response to the news report, Russia's consumer protection agency is launching an investigation into the mesmerizing toys to "study the effect spinners are having on children, including the possible negative impact."
Sure, fidget spinners are probably not secret stroboscopic devices beaming anti-Poot messages to Russian tots, but the Kremlin should maybe worry more about their use as explosive devices since electric fidget spinners have already begun to blow up in kids' hands.