No Man Can Compare to This Boyfriend Made of Boxed Wine
Men are trash, so why not just date literal garbage?
Photo courtesy of Mike Schneider
Men are great at catcalling, ghosting, and living in filth, and they are absolutely flawless at being pretty shitty boyfriends. So when Mike Schneider's boyfriend dumped him in 2015, he gave up on looking for some new dude to date. Men are trash, he figured—why not just date literal garbage?
Schneider told VICE he "self medicated through wine" after his breakup, and wound up with a shit ton of empty boxes of Franzia. Looking for something useful to do with them, he decided he'd build himself a new boyfriend—and thus, after a few months of work, his hunky, boxed-wine bae Franz was born.
"Though I'm over the breakup now (and the copious consumption!) I always thought it would be sad, funny, and a little sweet to make a companion from the empty cartons left over," Schneider told VICE. "Franz is great. He’s better than a regular boyfriend because he’s the strong, silent type, but also sweet and caring at the same time."
From the looks of Schneider's Instagram, the relationship is a dream. He and Franz spent a recent morning eating breakfast in bed, and finished out the day by making a nice, home-cooked meal together.
Sure, Franz might not be able to speak, feel human emotions, or move autonomously, but he's up for anything. Most boyfriends might think doing a couples photoshoot is cheesy. Franz, however, poses for the camera like a champ.
As good as things are going with BWB (boxed-wine boyfriend), Schneider can't help but worry a little bit about whether they've got a real future together. Mr. Merlot doesn't make for a very talkative dinner party guest, and while he's a joy to have around, he winds up sidling Schneider with a lot of the housework.
"What happens next?" a conflicted Schneider asked VICE. "Do BWB and I move in together? Do we go shopping for furniture? What happens when he meets my friends, my family?"
Only time will tell if Schneider and his captain cabernet can stick it out. There might be a few drawbacks to falling in love with a shell of a man made out of soggy cardboard—but at the end of the day, that hunk of garbage probably makes a better partner than most dudes out there.
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