People In Tillsonburg, Ontario Thought My Wedding Lanterns Were UFOs

Image via Instagram.
Last weekend, on a beautiful day in Port Dover on Lake Erie, I married my high school sweetheart.

We were blessed with a beautiful day, there was tons of food, we had about 175 people there, and everyone was drinking and having a good time. Then when it got dark, we went down to the beach to set a big fire. There were a bunch of people gathered around, and we lit some stupid, fucking Chinese lanterns.

I think it was my wife’s idea to do it, but I thought it was pretty cool. You see those things in movies. So we fucking lit them—there were about 35 or 40 of them, maybe a little more. We lit a bunch of them at first, then another wave, then another wave, and that was it. Then two days after my wedding, my buddy Facebook messages me and is like, “Have you seen this fucking link?” It’s a

YouTube video where these people who live in Tillsonburg, Ontario—which is right fucking where the lanterns were being lit in Port Dover—think they’re fucking UFOs. Tillsonburg UFO drinking game: take a swig everytime someone says "what are they" or "oh my god." Image via YouTube.

In the video, these lights are fuckin’ flying over their heads, and she’s freaking out thinking it's Armageddon, as if Will Smith’s coming to save her. “They’re orbs, they’re UFOs!”

They disabled comments on the video, so no one could be like, “Oh, those are just lanterns.” Because I guess my wife’s sister tried to contact them and they were like, “No, Tillsonburg’s too far away, the wind was blowing the opposite direction,” all this shit. And I’m just like, “Well, when we lit them, they traveled—within 30 seconds of lifting them up into the air—across the fucking lake in like 30 seconds. So going another 40 kilometers probably took maybe four minutes of flying in the wind.” And then these people didn’t want to believe it.

I think it’s amazing, first of all, that people in Tilsonburg think UFOs exist. Great! That’s amazing. Aliens. I’m down for that. But they’re just cheap Chinese lanterns.

I’m sure those lights in the sky could be scary if you had no context of what was happening… but I don’t believe in UFOs. I wish I did, but I don't. And now, I think all the UFO sightings in the world have just been Chinese lanterns. I would like to analyze all of the UFO sightings in the world, to see if there were any weddings nearby and if so, see if they were lighting any fuckin’ Chinese lanterns.

To the people who thought our wedding lanterns were alien spacecraft: I’m really sorry that we lit lanterns at our wedding. I’m sorry that you guys maybe didn’t graduate high school. Tillsonburg, you guys are cool, but you guys were trippin’ out.

It’s the funniest thing in the world to be 40 kilometers away, and directly affect someone else’s life to that degree. It’s insane. That person is forever going to believe that our lanterns were UFOs, and that’s alright with me. @mattydeathbro