So You Had a Baby

Show it some flowers or trees or whatever. Let it touch on a flower or feel grass on its tiny ass feet.

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Jul 28 2015, 3:32pm

The author and his baby

Sup, fam? It's your boy, Kool A.D., professional rapper, visual artist, astrologer, male model, and now, apparently, parenting columnist. Ten months ago my wife/swag coach/fun-employed Islamo-futurist art swami Cult Days popped a tiny combo version of us out a slit a doctor cut a couple inches below her belly button. The baby is of the female variety and she's a keeper. Real cute lil' monkey—big eyes, the whole nine. It's been a wild ride but I gotta say we're true fuckin' pros at parenting, which is why I landed this sweet columnist gig. I'll be here every other week putting you on to all types of priceless parenting game. Nothing but gems and jewels my dudes and dudettes.

A baby's basically like a tiny person on too many shrooms—literally anything can blow its mind.

First rule of parenting is there are no rules. Feel me? Oh, the baby's sad? Slap the lil' fucker onto a titty and let it get some milk. Still grumpy? Maybe the baby shit its pants. That's no prob, just take the shitty diaper off, wipe dat azz, put a new diaper on, and presto. It's still pissed? Try rocking it to sleep going "ssshh" or singing a soft lullaby of some sort. Not tired? OK, just kick it then. Make a weird face and/or noise; babies love that shit. Crinkle up some paper or tinfoil or whatever, give the thing some playing cards, teach it how to play solitaire. Play some sick tunes; babies love sick tunes. A baby's basically like a tiny person on too many shrooms—literally anything can blow its mind.

Another thing about babies is they're always there. They never leave. They never take the hint, no matter how many times you check the time on your phone and yawn. The fuckers are here to stay. Babies are like girls in that they just want to have fun. Sometimes they get bored of grabbing your nose or trying to ram their eyeball into the sharpest corner available to them and that's when, after you've exhausted all other options, you can let them watch a lil' TV.

Some people are like "don't let the baby watch TV," but those people are either nerds or losers or both. Fuck that—let the baby watch TV, your dude be getting tired of making faces/noises. Teletubbies might be wack as fuck to grown regular normal people like you and me, but that shit is baby crack; they gobble that shit up. Like I said though, I try to make it a last resort because that show is wild annoying. Some TV my bb likes that I also like is Futurama, Bob's Burgers, and Bojack Horseman. Those go hard. Bojack gets a little adult sometimes but the baby has no idea what the fuck is going on anyway, it just appreciates the bright colors and "zany" voices. Remember, though: not too much TV. It's a bad habit.

But the main thing to do when a baby is bored is go outside. Show it some flowers or trees or whatever. Let it touch on a flower or feel grass on its tiny ass feet. Take it shopping or to restaurants, get it used to being in the world and around people. Dog, babies STAY looking at people. Manners don't exist to them yet so they'll just stare at somebody for like ten minutes. That's what's up.

It's crazy how a cow or horse will drop a baby cow or baby horse out the vajayjay and the bitch just starts galloping right off the bat. With a baby it's different.

What else? Oh yeah, the first few months you gotta tap them on the back after every meal till they burp cause for some insane reason they don't know how to burp yet. It's crazy how a cow or horse will drop a baby cow or baby horse out the vajayjay and the bitch just starts galloping right off the bat. With a baby it's different—you literally have to do every last damn thing for the lazy sucker for like three years. But I guess who cares, what else are you doing? U mad u had a baby? Shoulda pulled out then. Too late now, here's the baby and it is your boss now. The baby is a mean boss sometimes but the baby is also hella cute. You literally can't get mad at a baby; it's too cute. A baby can literally take a shit on you and you'll be like "aww, what a cutie." It's insane.

Anyway, that's all the game I'ma lace you with today. Tune in week after next and I'll put you on to some more baby science.

Follow Kool A.D. on Twitter.

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