How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend

If your boyfriend has become a shitty thing in your life, then it's time to tourniquet that creep. Here's how to do it in seven easy steps (each of them inspired by the good people at WikiHow).

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Sep 8 2014, 3:30pm

GAP shirt, American Apparel shorts

All good things come to an end. But it'd be weird to think that good things have a monopoly on ending; shitty things end too, only with those it's usually down to you to call them off.

If your boyfriend has become a shitty thing in your life, then it's time to tourniquet that creep. Here's how to do it in seven easy steps (each of them inspired by the good people at WikiHow).

PHOTOS BY ғ ʀ ᴇ ᴇ ʟ ᴀ ɴ ᴅ ɢ ᴏ ʀ s ᴇ 人間 キャプチャー
STYLING: KYLIE GRIFFITHS

Stylist assistant: Thomas Ramshaw and Hannah Gooding
Hair and Makeup: Lydia Warhurst using Mac Cosmetics and Tigi Bedhead
Makeup Assistant: Amelia Ferrari
Models: Alex and Kevin at FM, Charlie at M+P

Words: Elektra Kotsoni

Timberland T-shirt; Motel dress, Topshop choker 

STEP 1. MAKE SURE YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

A feeling of utter disgust in his presence; avoiding his kisses; rolling your eyes at his jokes; creating arguments out of thin air about how fucking much you hate soup just so he leaves you alone. If two or more of these things sound like you right now, then it's time you make a break. It's one thing to split up with someone; it's another to carpet-bomb all his happy memories of young love with the image of you screaming at him in the street because he had the gall to make you minestrone for "dinner."

If you're still not sure, think long and hard: What are his most annoying habits? Everyone has her own irritation threshold. Maybe you'd kick a sweet guy to the curb just because he occasionally picks his nose; maybe for you it takes more, like him "sleepwalking" into your roommates' bed after a heavy midweek FIFA session.

There are a billion reasons to break up with someone. The main thing to get straight in your head is whether or not that reason really matters to you. Be selfish; the world is a lonely place, and it's about to turn cold and gray again. Before you commit to being alone this winter, you should be 100 percent certain that you hate your boyfriend's guts.

Vintage overalls, jacket and T-shirt from Beyond Retro, Topshop choker

STEP 2. MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND THINK BREAKING UP WAS HIS IDEA

Now that you've made your decision, it's time to make him think it was really his all along. Maybe he "hasn't been happy for ages anyway," maybe you're "about to undergo genital-warts removal surgery," maybe he's simply "too good" for you. 

Turn those arguments into a brief speech, write it down, and take it with you wherever you go so that you can memorize it while you're on the bus or busy "clearing your head" with vodka in your favorite out-of-town friend's bedroom.

Vintage jacket from Beyond Retro; Timberland T-shirt, American Apparel hoodie, vintage jeans

STEP 3. CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE TIME AND PLACE TO BREAK THE NEWS TO YOUR BOYFRIEND

Don't do it by text or at home—both can lead to kissing, and you don't want that because just being around him makes your stomach feel like someone shat in it, remember?

So choose a public space where it's impossible for him to make a scene. A pub is always a good idea, because getting drunk will lower your inhibitions and you will progressively give less and less of a fuck about his feelings. It's basically like those first dates when you had to get plastered to even dare hold his gaze, only in reverse—it's all come full circle!

Another decent choice would be taking him to the movies, because that way you reduce the risk of him coming prepared and wasting your time trying to win you back. He won't have the slightest idea he's about to get the boot—what kind of psycho breaks up with someone at the movies? Break the news to him during the trailers, then enjoy the movie and his silence.

Wherever you do it, make sure you have very strict plans afterwards—preferably with a family member so you can't change them at the last minute because he's too sad.

Calvin Klein T-shirt; Lazy Oaf T-shirt, vintage jeans from Beyond Retro, vintage shoes  

STEP 4. LOOK GREAT

Ensure you look good enough to make him rue what he'll be missing but not hot enough for him to start crying and end up ruining your after-cinema plans with your mom.

Keep it simple: Minimal makeup, jeans, and a nice T-shirt that accentuates your best features will make the transition from break-up convo to visiting grandma at the care home as smooth as your armpit on the first day of shaving.

Calvin Klein T-shirt

STEP 5. BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

Revise your notes on the way to the pub, the cinema, or the spa. Once you get there, take a deep breath and kiss your boyfriend. I know the thought of his saliva on your face makes you wanna start slapping at your breasts, but you are about to give him a lifetime of insecurities and random complexes he didn't even know he could have. Be nice.

Have a couple of shots, take a deep breath, and start reciting your little speech. Look earnest but be adamant. Don't let him speak too much, or he'll interrupt your train of thought. Dumping someone doesn't really have to be awkward, so long as you don't give a shit.

Calvin Klein T-shirt; Lazy Oaf T-shirt 

STEP 6. RUN

Literally, run as soon as you are finished breaking up with your boyfriend. You're finally free of that loser; you're alive again; there is so much for you to do.

STEP 7. TIPS

–If you for whatever reason you do still find him attractive, text him later to say, "Thank you for understanding and paying for my tickets and popcorn and my taxi back home." This will make it OK for you to booty-call him in the future after lonely nights out.

–Know who your rebound is going to be before you break up. The fact you temporarily castrated an otherwise functioning young man doesn't mean you don't deserve love and affection yourself. We're all human.

Please don't email me to tell me that my "mom is a slut." Look at the nice photos, get some sartorial inspiration for your next date, and check out more of Freel and Gorse's work instead.

Follow Elektra on Twitter.

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