Gavin Haynes's Sleepless Nights

    • 10.2.13

      Taking Too Much Viagra and Getting Your Penis Amputated Is No Laughing Matter

      The worst thing about taking so much Viagra that you end up having your penis amputated is that no one will feel any sympathy for you. You will not receive a bunch of cards saying “Deepest Sympathy on Your Literal Emasculation.”

    • 8.14.13

      A Depressing Guide to the Classic British Drug-Mule Arrest

      The girls say they met a man from London in Ibiza. And he handed them over to a Peruvian drugs gang, who flew them to South America and coerced them into muling 2.3 million pounds' worth of coke. The British-drugs-mule-nabbed pageant has many moves...

    • 7.1.13

      The Scent of Freshly Mown Binary

      Not many people have been wondering why the internet doesn’t have a nose. But some have. Among them: Amy Radcliffe, a design student at Central St. Martins in London. She is working on a machine that can harvest a smell by putting a big glass nose over...

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    • 2.11.13

      Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up on God

      Benedict is alone. He is ex-Pope. He has ceased to be pope. He is hanging up the pointy hat. He is turning over the keys to the golf buggy to a younger guy. From now on, when he tells young Africans that the best way to protect themselves from AIDS is...

    • 2.2.13

      Reasons Why Everyone Should Start a New Life in Brilliant Britain

      Britain is an intolerable wasteland, and you're an idiot if you want to live there. Not my words, but the paraphrased sentiments of the British government, that, it emerged last weekend, is considering placing ads in Romania and Bulgaria telling people...

    • 11.20.12

      Bath Salts, Orgies, Murder, and Anti-Virus Software

      If there is one thing society can learn from the soap opera now engulfing tech zillionaire John McAfee, it is that rectal shelving is the best way to take the psychoactive drug MDPV.

    • 10.24.12

      Soon Old People Will Suck the Youth Right Out of Your Veins

      Someone has proved that old people can benefit from slurping the blood of the young. Though obviously when I say "slurping" I mean "by having a clinically sterile transfusion." And when I say "old people" I mean "old mice," but y'know, we're all the...