I Tried to Find the Worst Bar in Toronto and Learned Everything
I am a drunk Charles Dickens.
A Guide to Every Hangover Cure I've Ever Tried
Some of these might come in handy.
Confessions of a Balding Man
Underneath my bruised vanity lies the specter of death.
The Guilt of the Oldest Brother
I couldn’t protect my brothers from my dad, so what good was I?
What Your Favorite Christmas Song Says About You
There is no genre of music worse than Christmas music. Here's an objectively correct list of what your favorite shitty song says about your shitty self.
The Serious Business of Betting on Horse Racing
This is not a social activity. I don't even know if people here are having what I would call fun. Show some respect, service is in session. People here aren't looking for trouble or to get wild, they are here to die with some dignity.
The Harsh Reality of Being Broke
Here's a brief list of things that I'm finding impossible right now: looking good, having sex, maintaining friendships, having decent self-esteem, and having hope for the future.
A Celebration of Daddys: My Life in Father Figures
When your real dad is a volatile drug addict, you start looking to Homer Simpson and your landlord for fatherly advice.
What Your Favorite Karaoke Song Says About You
Read this story to learn the one surefire song to get you laid.
I Have a First Nations Background and Didn't Think 'Kimmy Schmidt' Was Racist
Does this make me a bad person, a secret racist, or something even worse?
Why My Flip Phone Is Better Than Your Smartphone
For starters, Facebook notifications are a lot more thrilling when you actually have to sit down at a computer.
What Happens When a Pessimist Dates an Optimist
It's the end of the world, and I feel fine about feeling wretched. My girlfriend, not so much.