Jokes For Kids

Joke shops are paradise! In amongst the edible underwear, penis-shaped lighters, and wind-up models of dogs having sex with women, there are tons of brightly colored, cutely packaged instruments of sabotage and vandalism that promise children not only fun, but REVENGE.

Got an enemy in school? Dose their lemonade with fart powder. Your mom is being a bitch? Slip some fake blood capsules in your mouth and pretend you’ve had a seizure.

We just blew a load of money at the local joke shop and got our 11-year-old friend Jimmy to test-drive some crap for us to see if any of it could possibly be as good as it looked on the package.

Sneezing Powder:

Wow! This stuff looks so strong that one sniff could literally blow up the London Underground, killing and maiming tens of innocent bystanders.

Jimmy:

I went into my brother’s bedroom when he was asleep and put some of this brown powder above his upper lip. I waited and waited, but nothing happened. I even sniffed some of it myself. It went to the back of my throat, but it didn’t make me sneeze.

Disappointment Factor: 10/10

Itching Powder: Ooooh, itchy. The tormented gimp on the package looks like he’s in so much despair he’s ready to shit a kidney. Has he got a farm of aggressive red ants doing the conga in his underpants? No, he’s just dabbed on a bit of this amazing itching powder.

Jimmy:

I poured this in every single pair of my dad’s underpants two days ago but I haven’t seen him itching at all. We went to see Over The Hedge together the other day and I thought that maybe he’d start scratching since it was hot in the theater, but he didn’t.

Disappointment Factor: 7/10

The Horror Finger: OMFG, the horror! The sheer, infernal, unadulterated horror of a fat, bloodied finger.

Jimmy:

It’s pretty bad. I put it on my middle finger and pretended to my dad that I cut myself while chopping an apple, but he didn’t believe me and told me to stop messing around. It doesn’t even look like a finger.

Disappointment Factor: 9/10

Foaming Sugar: Boy, does this stuff look like a foaming feast! Even the dog’s puking up foam—and you never see them doing that. (Dogs can eat anything but chocolate and it doesn’t have an effect on them.)

Jimmy:

I made my dad a cup of tea when he came in from a hard day at work and I put the whole packet in. He didn’t notice the foam at all and drank the whole thing. I think I may have poisoned him a little bit because you probably shouldn’t drink it. I expected it to do what it looks like on the pack. There’s a picture of some fat guy with coffee or something and foam is pouring out of the cup. It’s not like that in real life.

Disappointment Factor: 7/10

Garlic Sweets: On the package, there are toxic fumes emitting from the chops of a clown-like chubster toward a young French lady who looks rather attracted by this weird odor. Is she mad?

Jimmy:

I gave these to my friends when they came round and pretended they were lime sweets. My friend Josh got sick and his mom had to come and bring him home. My dad told me off, but it’s not really my fault. I thought they would taste OK and they’d just be plain, but they are really nasty actually. I wouldn’t eat them. They taste just like garlic.

Disappointment Factor: 3/10

Fun Snaps: Kapow! These bad boys look like could they blow your foot apart, like you’d just set off a shoe bomb on a packed passenger jet careering through American air space.

Jimmy:

I was expecting a bit of fun, but it’s not that good. It wasn’t really scary. It’s just like a tiny bang. I let all of them off out in the garden and the neighbors didn’t even notice. Usually when I’m making noise, they come out and shout at me, but they didn’t even hear what I was doing. It makes a noise, but it’s not really a trick and it’s not fun. It wouldn’t shock you.

Disappointment Factor: 9/10

Fake Cigarette: The great thing about these cigs is that you get to look totally cool and not have to deal with lung cancer, clogged arteries, smelling like an ashtray, speaking through an artificial larynx because you’ve had to have the real one removed, and all of the other not so fun stuff that we don’t like to talk about. Great, eh?

Jimmy:

It looks pretty much like a cigarette, but there’s talcum powder or something in it. It’s not good for kids to have fake cigarettes though, because it doesn’t give a nice impression. I was walking around outside with it in my mouth and a neighbor was looking out her window at me. If someone sees you with a fake cigarette in your mouth they’ll think it’s real, so it’s not good. And it’s not fun.

Disappointment Factor: 1,092/10

Stink Bombs: These must be industrial strength, right? With that packaging, they look like something that could have been dropped on a Vietnamese village during the war, melting and burning the skin off terrified children and leaving an aftermath so toxic that generations to come would suffer the effects of mutated genes.

Jimmy:

These do smell bad. I dropped them all at once on the pavement in our garden and I had to run inside to get away from the smell. It smelled ten times worse than when my granddad lets one go. It says on the box that it, “Releases an utterly evil stench.” It’s not evil, but it’s pretty bad. I had to hold my nose even when I was in the house and all of the windows were closed.

Disappointment Factor: 1/10.

Fart Gas: What in this crazy world that we live in could possibly be more utterly disgusting than a can filled with farts? The guy on the canister needs to wear a clothespin on his nose because the odor is so bad. That’s how smelly this stuff is.

Jimmy:

I thought there’d be green gas pouring out of it, like a big green fart, but it’s not as bad as it looks on the can. I didn’t see any clouds of gas. My dad didn’t even notice when I sprayed it in the house, and I sprayed most of the can. It doesn’t smell that much like a fart. It smells a bit like chemicals.

Disappointment Factor: 8/10

Big Bang Soap: You know this product must be pretty amazing when the man on the packet is so freaked out by it that he’s paying no attention at all to the fact that a fat, naked, permed woman is perving out over his little todger.

Jimmy:

I was going to leave it in the bathroom, so if someone came around and used it they’d probably jump in the bath or something because of the shock, but it came out of the box and it was broken. The bit that was meant to make the “big bang” was snapped off the soap thing, and when I went to pull it back it snapped on my finger and cut it. It’s dangerous. My finger hurts. I don’t like it.

Disappointment Factor: 26/10

Black Face Soap: Can you imagine anything worse than being late for work because you had to clean this sticky black goo off your face after some cruel but hilarious prankster swapped your regular facial cleanser for this stuff? From the looks of the package, this soap could get people fired from their jobs and that could affect the economy, which in turn could plunge the Western world into poverty. Let’s put it to the test!

Jimmy:

Isn’t it supposed to make your face all black and horrible? I rubbed it on as soon as I woke up today and my face went a bit gray, but it all came off later and I didn’t even notice. It’s garbage. A clown gave me one once and it didn’t work either. I guess I wasn’t expecting much because it failed before. I think it should be called “slightly gray face soap”.

Disappointment Factor: 89.67/10