Dickey on Fire

We understand, you spent all weekend at the beach, and the whole week before that you finished your Russian taxes and young adult novels so you could make time to go to the beach. You missed all the games and the cool articles about them. Lucky for you, VICE is covering everything important that happened in every sport last week so you can feel less stupid. If it’s not in here, it’s alt.

NBA
- The Heat won it all—it’s official, there’s a DVD—beating the Thunder mainly because LeBron is so absolutely awesome at basketball. He got leg cramps, though, and hockey players made fun. Ha ha!

- Despite losing, the Thunder had an unreal year and the team is still super young. But will coach Scott Brooks stick around? Maybe not. Will Phil Jackson sign? Probably not, since he likes hockey more than the NBA. Too bad—it seems like Russell Westbrook could really use some book recommendations.

- An independent arbitrator has ruled that NBPA (that’s the union) won its case against the NBA and that Jeremy Lin, among others, will get Bird Rights. (Explanation here. Basically, the Knicks can re-sign Lin and get another player, too. Since they suck, that’s a good thing.)

- Tony Parker was at the club when Drake and Chris Brown started b33fing, and now he’s suing because he got schmutz in his eye! For $20 million! It’s not the lamest sports-related lawsuit this week though…

Baseball 
- …That honor would go to some lady in New Jersey, who is suing some guy in New Jersey for hitting her with a baseball. Sounds reasonable. Oh, the guy is 13? And it was in a Little League game and he was 11 at the time? And this is America, right? An independent arbitrator—my landlord—had this to say: “That shit not cool.”

- The Mets’ R.A. Dickey didn’t have a great night against the Yankees on Sunday but he may yet be the best pitcher in baseball right now. Well, actually, he might just have the best pitch in Major League history. In the 500-year (or so) history of baseball, there’s never been a knuckleball as fast as Dickey’s, and there hasn’t been a fast pitch in baseball more difficult to predict than a knuckleball. It’s the best of both worlds. Knuckleballers can play until they’re old as shit—though Dickey at 37 is just a few months away from that designation—so he might be ruining hitters’ lives for another ten years or something. After that he will still play, but ruin the lives of the hitting robots that will replace humans.

- Kevin Youkilis, doppelganger of Jerry Seinfeld’s former bookie, was traded by the Red Sox to the White Sox on Sunday. Youkilis, a high-strung dude having a bad year, had been Wally Pipp’d by rookie Will Middlebrooks, so it was time to go. It’s too bad he wasn’t traded to the Mets, where he would have reunited with his pal Jerry.

- Yankees first round pick Slade Heathcott went to go see Rock of Ages and was NOT into it. He didn’t know it was a musical.

NFL
- The 49ers just got $30 million snatched from them like someone's chain after Santa Clara officials told the team they would rather spend the money on teachers than install “little televisions in the back of stadium seats.” It’s a pretty awesome thing to say, though it might have been illegal, since voters approved to earmark that money for the $1.2 billion stadium. Both team officials and city leaders were so shocked the money was pulled and they’re threatening to sue. The best soundbite: “Just because you can find a legal argument doesn't make things right.” That quote comes from the mayor. Trouble brewing.

- Husain Adbullah, the Vikings safety who happens to be a Muslim, and his brother Hamza, formerly of the Cardinals, are taking off the 2012 season to travel around the country to speak at mosques before making a pilgrimage to Mecca in March. Why can’t Tim Tebow make this sort of commitment?

Soccer
- England lost on penalty kicks Sunday to Italy. Ha ha. This has happened so often that people think it’s a curse.

- Russia was fined again for shitty fan behavior, and a Liverpool fan has been banned for four years for similar racist shenanigans. Soccer is not exactly racism-free yet (duh), but at least they’re trying. Stop being horribly racist, Europe!

College sports
- Jerry Sandusky, sicko and kid-toucher, is going to jail for 440-plus years. Here’s the NY Daily News’ front page from that day. Has justice been served? Who fucking knows. But good on the jury, and the law, for the verdict here. Stop touching little kids, coaches!

Previously - God Hates Beds

@samreiss_