I'm Psychic... with Andy Blitz

Andy Blitz is a stand-up comedian and writer. He used to write for and perform on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. You might remember that skit where he went to India to get his computer fixed. He is currently a writer for the show Eagleheart, and he is working on a screenplay.  How else to say it? There is something about Andy Blitz. I don’t want to embarrass him, but…

OK, the first stand-up show I ever saw, he performed. He said he was teaching an adult-learning class in stand-up comedy, and one of his students was going to read her final exam. Then Maria Thayer--who played Tammi Littlenut on Strangers with Candy at the time, and who plays Susie Wagner on Eagleheart right now, and in between has been in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Storytelling, and 30 Rock--came up and “nervously” read a paean to “Blitz.” I remember it had some line like, “Blitz takes the stage like a hurricane.” She read it in a tremulous voice. My life was ruined. I mean, based on that, I got the impression that there was little difference between stand-up comedy and fiction writing. The conclusion was false. What I should have come away with was: There is little difference between Andy Blitz’s stand-up comedy and good fiction.

VICE: How are you doing?
Andy Blitz: I guess I’m OK.

So I have these tarot cards. I can do a general, work, or love reading, or if you ask a question, I can do a reading on that. But whichever you choose you have to tell me something about whatever it is. Otherwise, it’s going to be me guessing, because I’m not psychic.
Can you become psychic, and then call me back?

No… Are you superstitious?
I am superstitious.

Then you’ll probably think I’m psychic. I’m a little superstitious myself. So you have to pick what kind of reading you’d like.
Maybe work? You know, I’m so indecisive. I’m an indecisive person.

It’s best if you just lay your heart on the table. I’m not out to get you, but it will just be more interesting.
OK, what do you think would be more interesting?

Love readings are usually more interesting.
Maybe I’ll do work. I don’t know if I want…

OK, we’ll do a work reading. Work reading. What’s going on with work lately?
I don’t know. The whole thing is going to be me just deciding which one to do. Why don’t you pick for me.

I think we should do love.
I’ll do whatever. This is what every decision is like for me. Imagine… Now you know why I don’t want to discuss my love life, because, who could stand to deal with a person that makes decisions like that?

I’m shuffling. General reading…
You think it’s the boringest? How about…what did Jon Benjamin do?

He did general and it said he was worried about money.
Maybe I’ll do work. I’m annoying. Can I just do my personality? I just want you to read the tarot cards and tell me what they say about my personality.No! Let’s do love…Let’s do love…you say it’s the most interesting, and I trust you.

It is most interesting. Do you want to give me a general picture of what’s going on?    
I don’t even know. Do I even have to know what we’re talking about?

Yeah. Here, we’ll do a love reading and don’t tell me anything. It’s already settled.
Let’s do work.

It’s too late, Andy. It’s already done.
That’s a good metaphor for love itself. I tried to get out, but I got out too late.

OK, hold on. Let me look through these.
Is that part of the reading? Does it mean I’m gonna--

Wait, now I need you to be quiet, no offense.
No, that’s OK. I have had a reading once before.

What happened?
I don’t know because it was in Spanish.

What?
She went too fast for my comprehension level. I thought it sounded positive, but she was wincing so who knows?

This really happened?
Yes. I was in Argentina. It's a spooky story if you want to hear.

Yes, of course.
It was bizarre. I was coughing in a vegetarian restaurant, and an older lady at the table next to mine felt sorry for me. She put one hand on my chest and another on this picture of her guru. He was an Indian guy with an afro. I was confused about what was happening, and I looked at her friend, but her friend just looked away, embarrassed, like, “This kind of thing always happens when I go out to eat with her.”

Later that week a waitress picked me up. I hung out with her and her friends in one of their apartments all night, and we did tarot. I didn't understand my reading. Then at around five in the morning, this elderly woman came in and just started walking around. She was the deaf aunt of one of the girls. It was super scary, though. Imagine, you're getting a tarot reading you can't understand, and then all of a sudden some elderly woman you didn't even know is wandering around in a nightgown.

Weird.
And then I went back with the waitress to her place at around 8 in the morning. I asked if I could take a nap before seducing her, but she led me to her bedroom, which was only like a foot away and she lit this incense. I looked at the box for the incense sticks, and it had a photo of the Indian guru guy on it–the same one. I swear to God. That's true.

Hmm… I think I’ve seen that guy’s picture. But OK, the cards… it says you should jump in. If you have a girlfriend right now, it says you should just go for it. It says you need to trust your instincts.
I mean, is that an unusual reading, to jump in?

They’re all very particular.
Well, is there ever a card that says sabotage it?

There are definitely cards that say don’t get involved with someone. Yep.
Oh, really?

Yeah, there are definitely cards that say don’t get involved. The Clancy Martin reading was just like, you don’t want to be involved right now. Hold on.
Is there ever meta-tarot, as in a reading about the reading? Just, like, don’t do this reading?

I mean, probably if someone was psychic they’d have that, but I’m not, so I don’t get that.
Right.

OK, I’m just assuming you have someone you’re involved with. It’s saying it’s a good connection. It’s the Strength card, so I’d say you two communicate well, and it’s a very adult kind of bond.
An adult bond?

Well, it’s the Strength card, so…
Is that a euphemism?

No, it’s called Strength. So I just interpreted what that would be romantically.
You’re sure it doesn’t mean it’s a terrible relationship with a lady bodybuilder? Like I'm not supportive enough of her bodybuilding?

I’m sure it’s not saying that. And it says that the thing to let go of is your whole analytical mind.
Lose my mind.

The intellectual stuff—over thinking. And it said you really want to be happy.
I’m one of those people who wants to be happy?

I guess everyone wants to be happy. It said, in the near future, you will feel a lot of empathy with this person and not have many problems. If you’re not involved with anyone, I’ll feel so stupid, but, um…
Is it better to do work?

Maybe. No, just don’t tell me if there’s no one around.
Now I’m worried about Jon Benjamin’s finances.

The cards said he just worried too much. OK, hold on, this is tricky. If you’re involved with someone, she really likes you a lot. It said you should go for it, again--basically marry her. And it says you’re kind of kinky, and it said you should just go ahead with that, too.
The tarot card said I was kinky?

Yeah, it’s the Devil card. It’s a man and a woman chained together, and it can mean being kind of obsessive. But in your case, I think it’s being into kind of… whatever your deal is.
I’m not into bondage, if that’s what you’re getting at.

It’s OK, you’re into bondage! It’s fine, the cards said.
Maybe I’ve been in denial about it.

And then, it said the end result is… stamina.
Wait, the cards say that I’m kinky and have stamina?

I think they meant stamina in like a long-term relationship kind of sense. That this will go the distance.
Ohh…

Not in like a sexual…
Because I was gonna say… Just hearing about my great stamina gave me an orgasm. I got too excited about it.

Previously - I'm Psychic… with Benjamin Anastas