This Week in Balls - April 9, 2012

Not everyone has the inclination to follow sports full-time, or even real-time. Thankfully, we combed the latest, greatest, and worst stories from the world of balls this past week—Opening Day, Wildcat basketball, hockey, kind of—so you can hobnob with the weird regular people at the office, your doorman, or your minions, if you have minions.

MLB:
- Baseball is back in full “swing,” (haha, because they swing their bats). The Red Sox are bad, the Mets are not, and Ozzie Guillen is apologizing. In other words, everything is completely upside down.

- Yu Darvish, who may be the best Japanese pitcher to land in the Majors (and the sexiest), makes his debut tonight against Ichiro Suzuki and the Mariners.

- On the other side of the sports-time continuum, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera had a rough first game—his ERA is 54—a dip in quality that can be explained by the fact that he’s a professional athlete born in the 1960s. Still, Rivera is a consistent enough closer that it comes as a surprise, and so What’s Wrong with Mariano Week has started early.

NCAA Hoops:
- John Calipari’s Kentucky Wildcats won the national championship in what was a decidedly boring and languorous game. It’s, of course, a hell of a feather in Calipari’s cap—winning a title was really the only thing he hadn’t done. The resulting press coverage has been hefty, but not all that good. There was a nice profile by Kentucky hoops writer Jerry Tipton in the New York Times, but also talk of Calipari going to the Knicks, which HAHAHAHA, can you imagine?

NFL:
- Tim Tebow drew 15,000 people when he spoke at a church in Texas on Easter Sunday, which is basically the most GOP sentence of all time. Tebow wore a pink shirt and discussed with Pastor Joe Champion—great name for a pastor, though we can’t be sure if it’s real—about being a role model (he is one), being an outspoken Christian (check that too), his record collection (mostly Megadeth and 12” disco singles), and so on. Tebow also vaguely went on record supporting some sort of religious American church-state; this might be problematic as his Jets team has been a pro-Jewish organization. No word on how Funkadelic went over with the crowd, and also no word on whether Tebow turned water into wine at any point.

NHL:
- Speaking of drinking, hockey season—the regular one, not the 10,000-year-long postseason—wrapped up Sunday, and featured a 60-goal season from Steven Stamkos, who looks like a duster and was born in the 90s. It’s an incredible accomplishment and one of the cooler round numbers in sports, but it’s still up for debate whether he’s the best or most valuable player: ESPN’s Neil Greenberg has a good breakdown of who might win the big awards this year, though since it’s a pay article, it’s worth mentioning that he doesn’t address the Lady Byng, so maybe you’re better off not paying for it.

- Two Canadian teams, the Vancouver Canucks and the Ottawa Senators, have made the playoffs. The Canucks' style of hockey is about as traditionally Canadian as paying to see the doctor, but they're a hell of a team, with the best record in the league. They somehow remain maddening, equally elite and, terrible. Whatever distance they go in the playoffs will likely not be enough for their carnie fanbase, which is a problem since according to a friend of mine from high school, the Senators will “definitely” win the Stanley Cup.

NBA:
- Dwight Howard asked Magic management to fire coach Stan Van Gundy, noted defensive specialist, ball-breaker, and tough midget. Shaq basically canned Van Gundy from the Heat in the same fashion a few years back, though this time Gundy is aware of the request, and is not, at this writing, going anywhere soon. Stan’s a tough old bird, likely on the couch right now, drinking a Diet Pepsi on some yeah-you-fired-me-I-don’t-give-a-shit shit. Howard is still a dork, and not cool, like, say, Joakim Noah or Javale McGee.

- Antoine Walker, who as an NBA player shot three-pointers “Because there are no fours,” sold his championship ring to pay off debt in retirement, and returned to the D-League with a diet most of us could only envy, retired from the game on Sunday.

Other sports:
Some dude named Bubba won the Masters (a golf thing). Check out his car.

@samreiss_

Previously - March 26, 2012