The Diseases Of Our Leaders

Photo by Dan Monick Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it. That’s what someone said. Because I didn’t learn who said it, I am condemned to repeat it: Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it. When it comes to presidential disease, the cycle appears to be stuck. Beginning with malaria carrier George Washington in 1776, our populace has had a grim knack for electing only those men who bring disease into the White House. What is wrong with us, as a nation, that we are unable to break this self-destructive, contagious cycle? From John Tyler’s symmetrical paralysis to Warren Harding’s mumps and swollen testicles; from Theodore Roosevelt’s asthma to Andrew Jackson’s slobbering; from Grover Cleveland’s jaw cancer to James Polk’s fatal cholera… The White House has become the White Hospice. And yet we name our streets and cities after these clearly unacceptable men. The stories are shocking in their frequency and detail. George Bush Sr. suffered from a sty in his right eye in 1990, and a one-centimeter mucoid cyst the year before. Dwight Eisenhower had an appendectomy 30 years before taking office—a traumatic event that later came to define his presidency. Herbert Hoover reportedly came down with a case of shingles in 1947, James Garfield was said to have had a “weak stomach” for years, Gerald Ford was immunized for swine flu, and President William Taft quietly suffered through his time in office with an undiagnosed case of severe obesity. And depression! Depression is a disease—much like diabetes, cancer, alcoholism, meth addiction, laziness, poor physical hygiene, and consistently bad luck. And studies have shown that it is not just low-level comedians who suffer from depression. Did you know that beginning with our second president, John Adams, all US presidents since have suffered from depression? What a goddamned mess. Drunks! There were lots of drunks. A truly debilitating disease… and there is no cure. Lazy armchair speculation dictates that most of our presidents were drunks. Presidents John Adams, George W. Bush, and James Buchanan signed important documents and posed for austere presidential portraits whilst in the midst of being hopeless stumble-drunks. And President Franklin Pierce, asked about his plans upon finishing his term, replied, “There’s nothing left to do but to get drunk.” Some presidents, however, were definitely not alcoholics. In the aftermath of a bizarre, disgraceful, slurred, drunken speech by future president Andrew Johnson at his vice-presidential inauguration, Abraham Lincoln defended him: “I have known Andrew Johnson for many years. He made a slip the other day, but you need not be scared; Andy ain’t a drunkard.” Fun fact: Did you know that Ulysses S. Grant was the first president to have died of cancer? His fatal throat cancer ushered in a classic new American pastime… fearing cancer. We think nothing of handling a Kennedy silver half-dollar, even gifting it to a small child. But would we be more cautious with the coin if we knew that Kennedy was, in fact, our sickest president, suffering from scarlet fever, jaundice, German measles, tonsil problems, whooping cough, colitis, Addison’s disease, urethritis (sexually transmitted), malaria, celiac disease, acute diarrhea, depression, and complications from usage of steroids? One wonders, if the mad assassin’s bullet hadn’t felled him, what other diseases were lurking around the corner waiting to shorten the Great Man’s life? The presidency is the greatest elected office in the land. Candidates spend countless hours and thousands of dollars campaigning to be commander in chief. And yet neither the populace nor the media seem to find the time to screen these prospective leaders for disease. With the availability of internet medical diagnosis, it should be easier than ever… Yet, in my time eavesdropping on conversations between women who will not speak to me directly, I have overheard nothing about diseases afflicting our current crop of contenders. If “Typhoid Mary” or “Bird-Flu Bob” ends up tainting the White House in 2009, please don’t say you weren’t warned. Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners is out now on Drag City.