The Best Of Blighty

Photo by the author’s thoroughly disgusted wife

Thank heavens for the great Full English Breakfast. A staple in the daily diet of everybody from the common laborer to the loftiest Lord in the House! Never mind that half of it tastes like the floor of an abattoir and it’s likely to have you dying of heart disease! It’s breakfast, and it’s ours. Say it with me now: “Engerland! Engerland!” Ingredients: Lard, eggs, sausages, mushrooms, bacon, liver of lamb, black pudding, baked beans, tinned tomatoes, bread, Lucozade/Stella Artois 1. Chop off a big lump of lard and throw in the pan. Lard has a higher burning temperature than vegetable oil or butter and it also tastes porkier and meatier. 2. Keep the grill at a medium temperature and wait till the lard liquefies, then add your sausages. Butcher-bought sausages are always best. 3. Chop the mushrooms and roll them around them in the leaking sausage fat. 4. Add a couple of thick slices of black pudding. This is made out of the blood and fat of sheep too old to be slaughtered for lamb. Yum! 5. I decided to include generous chunks of bloody lamb’s liver to add a touch of Northern sophistication to the dish. Slice it to the size of what you would imagine the labia of one of the monsters who live aboveground in Fraggle Rock to be, then pop it in the pan! 6. While these pieces of offal, fat, and mushrooms are getting to know each other, stick your bacon in another pan and fry it at a high heat. They inject pigs full of saline solution to pad out the meat and this means white, bubbly water will be coming out of your meat once you expose it to heat. Expel the white water before throwing the bacon in with the rest of the shit. 7. Heat the beans on high so you boil off the juice, adding salt, pepper, and the exotic Tabasco sauce. Stir them as much as possible to make them mushy. Heat the tomatoes on medium. 8. Clean the frying pan you had the bacon in, heat it up really high, and crack two eggs in there. No need for lard. That’ll fuck your eggs up and make the bottoms crunchy. 9. Get all your stuff on the plate, get another huge load of lard, and melt it in the egg-frying pan. When it’s liquefied, add your bread and fry that fucker as fast as possible. When that’s done, add your brown sauce and you’re done. 10. You’ll probably be able to eat about half of this before sweating and feeling trippy. Don’t give up. Finish it all with your Lucozade, then sit in front of the TV smoking fags and watching Football Focus till it’s time to take the dog for a shit in the park. ANDY CAPPER