Please Don't Stuff Your Cock

Disclaimer: Some of you might remember this column from a few years back when we still lived at Viceland. When we moved to VICE.com, though, it disappeared, so now we've dug it up. Enjoy.

Hey, you rapidly decaying protoplasmic sacks of calcium and shit, my name is Dr Mona Moore. Obviously, that is not my real name, but I am a real doctor. Don't feel bad for me, though, because it means I will always have a job, an apartment ten times bigger than yours and the right to tell you what to do simply because I will always know better. Enjoy my column!

BOLLOCKS TO THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH - PLEASE DON'T STUFF YOUR COCK

In my experience, people will get weird shit lodged in every available orifice—and the urethra is no exception. Now, I don’t have a penis, so perhaps it’s hard for me to understand, but the only time anyone has put anything up my urethra was during an STD screening and I was moments away from kicking the doctor in the head. Painful, humiliating, and categorically not erotic. But apparently this is exactly what gets some people off, though they normally regret it after.

I had a 45-year-old man come in recently with a big, grizzly beard and a pained expression complaining of urinary retention—basically he couldn’t piss and it was causing him terrible pain. So I popped a catheter in (allowing free flowing pee) and sent him for an X-ray. When it came back, I could see big lumps in his bladder and girded myself up for late-stage bladder cancer. Fearing the worst, I told him he would need to be sent to surgery, where the surgeon would put a camera up his urethra to see what was going on—and still he did not mention a thing.

As the camera slid into his bladder, the whole surgery stopped in disbelief. Those were not cancerous lumps writhing around in horrible humping masses, but maggots. There was a rampant maggot orgy in his bladder.

It turns out he enjoys fishing on Sundays, and while waiting for a tug on his line would pop a maggot up his jap’s eye because he liked the way they wriggled up his tube. I’ve never understood fishing (or bestiality), but I’m pretty sure baiting your bladder isn’t the way to bring in the catch.

Now, maggots were a first for me. Normally it's rods and pens, but there have been a handful of thermometers, where the thrill of insertion must override the risk of smashed glass and mercury poisoning. One boy used a cable, but while he masturbated, the far end frayed, ripping the flesh when he tried to pull it out. And it's not just the boys—a female patient lost her mascara and another used a felt-tip lid-end first, so when she removed it, the lid became lodged and she needed surgery to fish it out.

But the bad excuses are my favorite and I take pleasure in making them go into detail. Why even bother saying your goldfish swam up of its own accord? That was a teenage boy in India who was apparently holding his fish in his hand while cleaning the tank. He went to the toilet—fish still in hand and, remarkably, alive—and while passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his penis. If that’s true, then that boy has a bright future in Thai sex clubs—he just needs to learn to fire the fish out his penis and into a punter’s drink.

Another 12-year-old boy came in complaining of penis pain and, when they found a wire up his urethra, he said, “Oh, I must have swallowed it.” A classic. Turns out he thought he could hit his prostrate gland that way and wanted to give himself an instant orgasm.

After maggot man, I decided to look into this. I felt like a naïve, little schoolgirl looking up buggery in the Oxford English Dictionary. Do you pull out said object before you cum? Does it leave your hole all saggy so you start dripping down your trouser leg? Is there any reason apart from pure kink why it should feel nice? So, as well as discovering whole forums online about the best type of lube to use, I also learned you can buy penis plugs; $350 kits of stainless steel dilating rods. And for the flashier breed of cock-stuffers: diamante-studded, gold contraptions.

In the S&M community, it's called "sounding" and usually involves inserting smooth, long, and thin surgical steel rods called "sounds." So if you happen to be one of those sexually-inquisitive sorts and you're already bored of putting things in your ass, would you be so kind as to invest in some of these, rather than making me watch another man piss pus.

Previously - This Housewife Got a Slug Stuck in Her Vagina