Rick Ross: The Most Misinterpreted Man in Music

What's up with all this crap I'm hearing about people hating Rick Ross all of a sudden? Reebok, are you for real with this shit? You think the man's lyrics are about rape? If you don't know what I'm talking about, then I'm about to tell you. Basically, some women's rights organization called UltraViolet got all mad at Reebok because they're endorsing the greatest rapper of all time, who in the Rocko song “U.O.E.N.O.” supposedly raps about committing date rape. The exact lyrics are as follows:

“Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it/ I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know,”

Rick Ross tweeted an apology that he later deleted, but it was transcribed in this article by Rap-Up. Ricky Rosé doth twat:

“I dont condone rape. Apologies for the #lyric interpreted as rape. #BOSS”

However, it's too late. Reebok dropped him because they didn't feel his apology was good enough. You want to know why it wasn't good enough? Because he didn't need to apologize at all. You heard the man himself say it. The lyrics aren't about  rape. We all just misinterpreted it. It's so obvious. I don't get how no one else sees it. The real issue here is the mainstream media and our educational system's paucity of quality humanities instruction. They just don't understand what Rick Ross was trying to say.

You think when that John Keats guy wrote the poem, "Ode to a Grecian Urn," he was describing an actual Grecian urn? No way, idiots. These are symbolic metaphors we're dealing with. That urn was probably his Greek grandma who was a good singer or something. My point is, what Keats was doing back then is exactly what Rick Ross is doing right now. There are so many possible interpretations for these lyrics, but the media had to go ahead and focus on what the lyrics literally mean as opposed to what they figuratively might mean. Off the top of my head, I have at least one other interpretation for these lyrics that has nothing at all to do with date rape.

For instance, what if Molly is a person and not a drug? I think it's super possible that this Molly is a burlesque dancer, who performs inside a giant champagne glass as a part of her act. Rick Ross must have seen her and was like, “Wow she doesn't even know how good she is at slowly removing the majority of her clothing inside a giant champagne glass.” Then he took her home after the show—to her home, mind you—and enjoyed doing it because he was so delighted to see her wonderful performance. You know Rick, he's all trying to put up this act like he's a real tough guy, but at the end of the day, the champagne-glass burlesque dancer named Molly melted his heart, and he was too embarrassed to tell her that he liked her. She ain't even know.

OK, so I can see how some of you might be skeptical about that interpretation. I get it, Rick Ross is a baddie. A real tough guy. Being so shy around an exotic dancer does seems too far out of character. So what else could this all mean? Well, how about we concede that this Molly he speaks of is in fact the drug more commonly known as ecstasy and not a person? OK fine, but that still doesn't mean rape was involved. I bet this woman texted Rick earlier that day and wrote, “Hey can you remember to put some Molly in my champagne glass tonight? Don't tell me when, I want it to be a surprise!” So, being the true friend Rick is, he did. Then he took her to his home to make sure she would be taken care of in case she had a bad come down. He provided her with plenty of water, and good music, since he's Rick Ross. She didn't even know what a good host he was. He probably even had a bear-skin rug in his bedroom that she rolled around on for hours. He then fell asleep on the floor right next to her.

Actually, I suppose that's still out of the realm of possibility. Nobody has a bear-skin rug these days. What the hell else could it be though? I mean come on, the guy is a super famous, insanely talented, and rich rapper. There is no way on earth he could be that vile and disgusting, knowing full well he can get consensual sex from plenty of women. Especially in Miami. My uncle Barry lives in Miami and he gets laid by willing women all the time. This guy has four different pairs of Crocs and two different strains of herpes. There is no way my uncle Barry is a more decent human being than Rick Ross. Right? Shit, I don't even know anymore. I'm trying so hard to see what else these lyrics could possibly mean. I'm drawing blanks here. Just like my uncle Barry, actually.

Rick, is it true? Is everything I thought I knew about symbolic metaphorism wrong? Are you literally rapping about drugging an unsuspecting woman and taking advantage of her in her altered, defenseless state? Even if that's true. How could you not even be sorry about it? You deleted the only evidence of you showing any remorse, and even that was completely disingenuous.

OK, I changed my mind. I hate Rick Ross. He's a fucking asshole. Reebok, you did the right thing. UltraViolet, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. There is no way these words can be misinterpreted. Damn, I guess the same goes for that Grecian urn. I'm about to delete every Rick Ross song in my iTunes library, which leaves me only with the new Justin Timberlake album, three Bob Marley tracks, and a bunch of Klaus Nomi (I have very strict, yet eclectic taste). I suggest you all do the same. Don't let Rick trick you into thinking he's all deep and misunderstood. That shit died when Corey Haim did. RIP.