10,000,000 BCE – Birth of the first recognizably homo sapien child. And with it, the first father heralded into being.513 BCE – The Fatterians, a civilization comprised entirely of fathers, founds its capital in a mountainous region south of Scythia. They settle along the banks of the Caspian Sea because it vaguely resembles a baseball cap.490 BCE – Fatterians fall to Persia under the rule of King Xerxes 1, who sentences them and their descendents to imbibe the nectar of hops and toil in the fisheries on weekends (origins of the modern day “fishing trip”).
ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ
33 CE – God and Jesus overcomplicate the father/son dichotomy, throwing the world into turmoil pretty much forever.150 – Romans round up all the fathers in their empire and force them to fight to the death in coliseums, feeding the winners to lions. Fathers would rebel, but for a complete absence of the fathers’ greatest weapon: baseball caps.400 – 1400 – Dark Ages (still no baseball caps).1700s – The Age of Enlightenment arrives, bringing with it father-friendly inventions like sitting quietly and watching television, the Char Broil T480 4-Burner 48,000 BTU Gas Grill with Sideburner, and the hardcover edition of Yogi Berra: Eternal Yankee by Allen Berra. Still no baseball caps.1846 – Invention of baseball, leading to the much more important…1860 – Invention of the baseball cap.1910 – Washington State Governor Marion E. Hay incorporates the first local Father’s Day celebration in the United States. Fathers around the state celebrate by trying on some new baseball caps.1914 – President Woodrow Wilson declares the second Sunday in every May to be Mother’s Day, neglecting to celebrate fathers because (actual quote), “fathers haven’t the same sentimental appeal that mothers have.” Hurt and disappointed, fathers mourn by wearing their baseball caps at half-mast.1920s – Socialists groups move to scrap the commercialism of Mother’s & Father’s day for “Parent’s Day.” The idea is scrapped when everyone realizes that most families are held together by a shared appreciation for trinkets.1972 – Celebration of the first Father’s Day. President Richard Nixon celebrates fallen fathers with a 21 baseball cap salute.2012 – The best fucking Father’s Day of all time, am I right? Make this Father’s Day the greatest fucking baseball cap your dad ever wore!@benjaminkorman
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