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You Can't Prove I Like Heroin and Blackmail

With another awful week of wild allegations under his belt, we figured now is as good a time as ever to hear Mayor Frod's side of the story.

Κείμενο Mayor Rob Frod
09 Δεκέμβριος 2013, 6:30pm

Mayor Rob Frod vs. the media. via Twitter.

The past week (just like every other week) has not been kind to poor ol’ Mayor Rob Frod. He's been accused of doing heroin and also exchanging marijuana for a phone he lost, rather fittingly, on 4/20. Instead of speculating, we here at VICE called up our good friend Rob Frod to clear up this whole mess for us. So here you have it, without further ado, Mayor Rob Frod in his own words...

Folks, you have no doubt heard many new outrageous allegations against me, none of them proven, and all of them false. This smearing of my blameless character is part of an agenda by that fancy downtown elitist, Sylvia Stalin and her gaggle of lying liberal cronies. It’s a conspiracy of what I call Prada-style journalism, practiced by sharply dressed journalists, police chiefs, judges, and drug dealers. As a result, I want to clear the air and tell you the truth about all that’s happened this past year, beginning with the loss of my cellphone back in April.

On April 20, I was at a public event to clean up Colonel Sam Smith Park, picking up empty bottles of vodka and Gatorade strewn about the grounds. I left my cellphone on the hood of my car, and it must have slid off and fallen into the pocket of a young man from Dixon Road who was there to drop off some fried chicken. Apparently he didn’t notice he had my phone, and went back to his crackhome to await instructions from Sylvia Stalin.

I realized that my phone was missing when I tried to contact my good friend and driver Sandro Lisi to arrange one of our nature walks. It was a very disturbing discovery, because I hadn’t locked my phone and it contained all my Angry Birds high scores. Fortunately, my Escalade is equipped with an OnStar phone system*, so I was able to call Sandro from that and told him what happened. He told me not to worry, and began dialing my cell number, in case someone had found it and might answer.

As luck would have it, my cellphone was eventually answered by Liban Siyad, a young entrepreneur in the import business. After consulting with his partner, a friendly guy named Juice Man, Mr. Siyad agreed to meet my buddy Sandro at a nearby doughnut shop. I suggested that Sandro bring him a nice gift in recognition of his honesty, so he brought Mr. Siyad some kush—which is a delicious Italian pastry baked by Sandro’s mother who lives upstairs from him. So that’s how I got my cellphone back, folks: there was nothing sinister at all about that, no matter what the Toronto Police’s fancy-schmancy wiretaps may indicate.

There have also been allegations that I have used heroin, which is completely untrue and, from what I've been told, unfashionably retro. This smear is based on a complete misinterpretation of a comment by another entrepreneur (and amateur bullet-catcher), Abdullahi Harun, who said he “has so much pictures of me doing the Hezza.” It so happens that the Hezza is actually a traditional high-kicking dance that I learned from my wife’s Polish relatives, and there are already publicly available photos of me dancing the Hezza, as you can see here.

Rob Frod doing the hezza. via methylprednisone on Reddit.

But the most ridiculous allegation of all is that I offered $5000 and a car to drug dealers for an incriminating video of me smokin’ rocks. This video does not exist, as I’ve always maintained, and I call upon the police chief to release it to the public. According to the latest bestselling novel by Sylvia Stalin, “Information to Obtain Search Warrant Pursuant To Section 11 of the Controled Drugs and Substances Act” (I admit, it’s a catchy title), that claim was made by another young entrepreneur, Mohamed Siad. He just happened to be overheard by some nosy detectives who should have been minding their own business. But that quotation was taken out of context, it was never said, and it doesn’t mean what you think it means, folks. Here’s what really happened.

Mr. Siad is a hard-working young man trying to operate a humble delivery business. I’ve enlisted his services many times in the past, particularly when visiting my friends, the Bassos, at their charming home on Windsor Road. Fabio and Elena spend so much time caring for their beloved mother that they sometimes forget to buy groceries, so now and then I’ve arranged for Mr. Siad to deliver various foodstuffs to them, because that’s the kind of generous, warm-hearted person I am.

One night, I was at home, watching a football game. My wife was relaxing on the couch with an icepack over her eye, as she often does, when suddenly the phone rang. This was my home phone, rather than my cellphone or my OnStar or any of my secret phones registered to Deco Labels and Tags Inc.. It was Mr. Siad on the line. He was sobbing with despair because his delivery van had been stolen (a lot of the neighborhood kids have turned to crime ever since I stopped coaching them at football), and he’d lost a big contract as a result.

My heart was about to burst for this poor fellow. Although I’m not a rich man (compared to Donald Trump for instance), I immediately offered to help him out with an interest-free loan of $5000, and the use of one of our “laundry” vehicles from Deco Labels. That shows how much I care about small business owners and their struggles.

So you see, folks, there’s an innocent explanation for everything you’ve heard in these documents. Don’t let yourselves be brainwashed by the muckraking Prada fashion police of Sylvia Stalin. Last I checked this is still a democracy, not some right-wing communist tree-hugging gravy-slurping gay dictatorship. And last I checked, I’m still mayor. And I haven’t been charged with any crimes yet. And even if I am, it wouldn’t go to trial before Oct. 27, 2014, when you can re-elect me: Mayor Rob Frod.

Frod More Years! God bless Frod Nation.

* OnStar is a subsidiary of General Motors that provides subscription-based communications, in-vehicle security, hands free calling, tum-by-turn navigation, and remote diagnostics systems throughout the United States, Canada, and China. One of its features is it gives your vehicle an assigned phone number that you can give out to callers. When they call on that number, it will ring inside your vehicle's hands-free system. Mayor Frod's motor vehicle (Cadillac Escalade) is a General Motors brand.

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