Grimewatch

Mizz Beatz outside the Ritz Hotel, Mayfair. Photo by Jack Savidge

Bruza at home with his chickens. Photo by Queenie

When we’re not scouring message boards for mentions of

Vice

or posting MP3s on the

RWD

forum, we here at Grimewatch keep busy surfing Rupert Murdoch’s proverbial slut-fest, MySpace. This place is now the unofficial calling card for every top producer and MC in the game. Currently riding high in my Top 8 is Tinchy Stryder, Ears, JME and Spooky from younger Slew Dem to name a few, but it was only after stumbling upon Mizz Beatz’s page that things started to get HOT! HOT! HOT! Yes, after last month’s colossal blow out with Shystie, I decided to lick my wounds and make a play for the first lady of Jah Mek Da World, top female producer Mizz Beatz. With upcoming collaborations with the Sugababes, Estelle (boring), Lady Sovereign and Dizzee Rascal, no one can deny she’s one of the busiest producers in grime. After reading her profile (“I’ve never been a party person although I love industry parties”, “Your Perfect Pizza: Seafood Pizza”), I knew we’d get on just fine. This being the Food issue, I decided to take her chocolate tasting at the exclusive boutique, La Maison Du Chocolat, famous for having the yummiest chocolate in the world. I figured that if I sweetened her up on expensive treats, she wouldn’t be able to resist my charm. I have to say, I had a great feeling about this date.

When she eventually turned up two hours late, she was looking radiant in an orange puffa and stripy top—more perfect than I’d ever imagined. The only problem it seemed was that she turned up with someone claiming to be her “boyfriend”. Weird, I thought, but expecting her to give him the elbow at any minute I soldiered on, smiling and cracking jokes about Logic’s VST overkill. I mean who uses a bitcrusher in this day and age?! After the laughter had subsided, some chi chi man with a clearly false French accent offered us enough sickly-rich chocolate to make a sperm whale vom. After a while, they all tasted pretty much the same, apart from the lemon zest ones which Mizz Beatz thought were swaggish. As day became night, and with both of us feeling queasy from all the posh chocs, I suggested we make the short walk to the nearby Ritz Hotel for an apertif. To my horror, her “boyfriend” continued to tag along. I quickly learnt that they’d met on MSN and he goes to Christ’s Hospital boarding school—the same boarding school as the kids from

Rock School

, series one (no joke). It gets worse, the doormen took one look at my boxfresh Air Force Ones and Evisu Jeans and promptly showed me the revolving door. Thinking I’d almost totally blown it again, I decided to draw my trump card and pulled out a diamante-encrusted New Era hat I hoped she’d wear on our next date. Before I could even ask if she fancied going skinny-dipping with me, she grabbed the hat, dished out a massive slice of air pie and dashed through the hotel doors with whatshisname in tow. I was left shattered, confused and alone to rue another missed opportunity. All is forgiven, Shystie. Call me.

When we joked a couple months ago about a new sub-genre of grime called “grindie” (we even coined the phrase for you), we didn’t really expect Statik to go out and record the best track The Streets never made. We’re talking about his bootleg version of the Arctic Monkeys tune “A Certain Romance” featuring Ears. As well as putting together a whole mixtape of hardcore re-fixes, introduced by Pete Doherty and featuring MCs like Meridian Crew and Scorcher, Statik’s also hosting the first “grindie” night at club Koko. If our experiences at Koko are anything to go by, he’ll be lucky if he’s even allowed in the club. When we booked a warm-up gig there a little while back with Ears and his Scare Dem Crew, we had to practically beg the bouncers to let them in to perform a free PA. Eventually they were allowed in on the condition they stayed in full view of security and left the second their set was over. If that wasn’t enough, they also had the fucking cheek to accuse us of jacking a pair of styli and a microphone the next day! FUCK KOKO!

In other news, Dizzee (with his new LP landing in September) is finally back on pirate radio after appearing on a recent Newham Generals’ Rinse FM show. Although he did sound a bit rusty alongside Double and Foots, Dyl was definitely more than cutting it on a new remix of perhaps the biggest grime tune of the last 12 months which also features D-Double-E. We can’t really talk about it, but you’ll be hearing it EVERYWHERE very soon. Another remix we’re loving but can’t talk about because we’re too scared is Wiley’s “Gangsters No.2”, which features just about every rude boy skeng-man MC on road. We quite literally pissed our pants during Scorcher’s verse. Keeping it E3, everyone’s favourite man-mountain Tinchy Stryder is back, you know, with his mixtape

I’m Back, You Know

. Shit, if it’s anywhere near the standard of

Underground

or

No Bass

you’re gonna need to cop that quick time. Also busy is Bruza, who perhaps took last month’s cover story to heart and has decided to eke out a living farming chickens in his kitchen. It’s six eggs for 75p, and they’re selling like hot Lethal B albums. We’ve got a couple of copies of Matt Shadetek’s massive

Heavy Meckle

mixtape to give away. To win, all you need to do is email your guess of Logan Sama’s real name to

grimewatch@gmail.com

. The funniest suggestion wins. So bell me, bell me. Again, Shystie or any semi-famous grime ladies (except Lady Fury who is straight dairy section) out there who want a man—get in contact. Bell me, bell me.

CLARENCE STATELY-HOLMES